Merry Christmas 2010

Merry Christmas everyone. I spent Christmas Eve day sick in bed! Some kind of "bug" which luckily only lasted the one day. Of course my "ED" was fine with me missing out on the festivities, not having to worry about eating tacos and tons of goodies at one of the relatives houses. I have to admit I enjoyed staying home lying in bed or on the couch and just vegging. Ate some chicken noodle soup after I felt a little better. The next day (Christmas) was spent at my brothers beautiful home in Medina (MN). He's very successful and we joke they live in a "mansion". He and his wife and four boys - all adults now- are very down to earth though, so you would never suspect they have all that money. We had a great time. Everyone brought appetizers so it was easier and more "layed back" than preparing a big meal. My other sister in law was there and she has been recovered for one year now from her breast cancer. She tends to talk on and on about her health, which is understandable. Then out of the blue she asked "so how are you" and of course I said fine. I really don't want to talk about ED with any of them. I don't want people to know that I struggle although it's maybe noticeable..?? It's easy to hide with these cold MN winters and all the covering up with layers! I've been eating "ok" lately but inside my head is Screaming that it can't wait for all of this to be over so I can "get away from the food, have my next 3-4 days ALONE and eat or not eat what I want, exercise and get rid of it, hibernate, diet, diet, diet." My life has been one long diet. So perhaps that is what I say to someone when they ask how I am doing. Tell them the constant thoughts going on in my head. What would they say? What would they do? I'm sure they would think it's really strange! That's another thing that's difficult with all of this. There's nothing they can do or say that seems to help so why talk about it? I am going to Arizona in a few weeks with my 2 sister in laws (that I mentioned above) and my "bestest friend" who lives in CA. We are going to go for a weekend to celebrate my turning the Big 50! My thoughts are about the weather and what will I wear? I want it to be HOT but fear what I will look like in summer clothes. Has anyone out there read "Eating by the Light of the Moon"? My therapist recommended it and I ordered it on line so anxious to read it. Anyone find it helpful? Take care everyone and Happy New Year soon!

Still here! :)

I haven't posted in ages! Well, I'm still alive and I want to say I am still fighting my eating disorder by going to therapy,etc. but to be honest....I just don't feel like I want to give it up. Hmmm.... How do people do it I wonder? I do realize that it seems very stupid for my to base everyday on what my scale tells me. But that's what I do. I also know that in a lot of ways I've grown...all the therapy these last few years has left messages in my brain. I some how need to listen to them more I suppose! Well, I'm at work! It's conferences tonight so I'm working late. Take care ALl!

The program has begun!

Well, I just finished 2 days of IDP (Intensive Day Programming) and I guess the main feelings I've been having are Hatred and Anger. I hate eating this food and I'm angry at myself for doing it. and yet it was my idea. I didn't want to go back to work being embarrassed and ashamed of the way I look. I haven't been able to wear short sleeves all summer because even I can see my arms look ugly, sickly, just Too thin. At least I can see it. I keep reminding myself that food is my medicine but I still don't like it. I've been wondering about all my anger. I've seen a therapist for the past 4 years and talked about all my issues, but I guess this is what I don't understand. How is therapy suppose to help someone? How is talking about everything suppose to help? I've already talked about all the anger I've had at my dad for being an alcoholic, dying too young, and not being able to see all the wonderful grand kids he would have so loved. I've already talked about the miserable middle school years (who's weren't miserable? Ha!) I've already talked about how it HURT so bad 4 years ago, when so many people I knew died and one of my dear old dogs.:( I thought if this is what it's like when you get older, maybe I don't want to be here! So all of it's been talked about and I still feel miserable about it all. I guess I just don't understand how it's suppose to help, or I guess I wish it helped more than it has.
I'm so glad the weekend is here and I don't have to follow my meal plan. I guess this is not a good sign. I've already decided I won't be doing any of the tallies I'm suppose to do during the week either, before programming, because...I'm already eating a hell of a lot more there then I have been all summer. I'm still wanting so badly to do this MY way. The thing is I did do things my own way for a good 10 years and I was at an ok weight, so I guess it can be done. That's not to say my eating wasn't disordered...it always has been... but I was medically ok. That is were I would kind of like to be back to. Honestly, maybe I don't. My ED is so strong it doesn't want me to have anything but IT!

Treatment

Thanks to those who responded. I appreciate your kind words. My appointments yesterday went well and they are in total support of my starting their "Day program", but first, I need to set up Another Intake appointment with the therapist who runs the program so that means more WAITING involved. I might not be able to start until the first week of August. That's fine with me, but then I can only go for 2 weeks and then it's back to my teaching job! Oh well, it would be good to at least get that much time under my belt and get back on track with this whole eating business. Then it's up to ME to stick with it!! It's funny how I kind of think of eating as being a job. It's not always pleasant and it's time consuming. It takes planning and preparation. It causes so much stress and anxiety. Ugh! Just one more thing to do in a girls busy day. I have to do this though. I have to Want this for Myself. The last few days were stressful and I was feeling very depressed. Today, however I was feeling much more peaceful, after reading some of the book Co-Dependent No More. The chapter on detaching is especially good. It says we don't detach from others for their good. We do it for Ourselves so we can feel calm and peaceful. How true! As far as this codependency thing goes, my husband is not an alcoholic. I grew up with an alcoholic father though, and so I continue to have all these symptoms of codependency- always worrying and wondering what my husband's thinking. Always putting his needs (and the family's) before my own. (Needs? DO I have needs??) It's truly crazy. One thing I really look forward to in recovery is to lose all the thoughts about food, also. If I'm not thinking about my husband and his feelings then I'm thinking about food. I know that once my body starts getting what it needs all these obsessive thoughts will stop. Maybe not right away, but it will happen. At least that's what everybody tells me! God Bless everyone and here's to fighting eating disorders!!

Down again

I'm pretty sure I need a higher level of care. I keep debating if I should ask for it tomorrow when I see my New therapist for the very first time! Kind of a strange way to start out with her! I was hoping to have started this treatment program at the beginning of June and it is now the end of July! I had to wait this long to see someone. Quite sad really. They obviously need more help in the eating disorder field. I know they have a day program similar to the one I use to go to. I'm not sure what the hours are, but I think you eat 2 meals and 2 snacks there. I started with a dietitian 2 weeks ago and was given a small meal plan to follow and have not exactly done it. I get home and I feel so unmotivated. I feel sick and tired a lot and then I'm motivated to recover. After resting and feeling better, the motivation is gone and I'm back to thinking "well I'm not that bad". My blood work 2 weeks ago showed overall protein as being Low as well as White blood count low. It's no wonder I don't feel well. I continue to worry about what this is doing to my poor heart. I think it's perhaps harder on me now due to my age, than it was when I was 18. I don't want to say numbers but I am anorexic, I have lost weight, and for some sick reason I seem to keep trying to lose more. That is why I think I need a higher level of care. I have to much freedom and no desire to take care of myself. My husbands been a jerk lately and no help at all. It seems like I have to tell him over and over what he could do to help and he does it for a while, and then he "drops the ball" and is back to his old ways. I know I feel a lot of anger with him that I probably need to explore and I would like to tell him also but perhaps I fear pushing him away.? I have read a lot about co-dependency and feel I struggle with that also. Co- dependents are not comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings. I need to keep telling myself I have a right to express myself and not care what others think! I can think that but it's much harder to actually do it. I love the quote "Say what you mean...because those that matter don't care" I can't remember it exactly right now but it is a good one! Well, I guess that's it for now. I'll just have to wait until tomorrow and see what happens.

Hopeful once again!

I went to The Emily Program yesterday. I loved my new dietitian! She has given me hope. She seems very understanding and feels that treatment could be a life-long thing for me because I have had disordered eating my whole life. This actually felt good to hear because now I don't feel so much pressure to get "over it"! I have been basically brain washed and now I need to get brain washed the other way and obviously that will take a Long time! I kind of felt like my therapist gave up on me at Melrose, because our last session she said "well we've tried just about everything..." ? I just felt like she was sick of seeing me (after 3 years) and so I never went back. I feel bad about that and also know I have a tendency to make a Lot of assumptions that are not true. Maybe I should write her a letter.? I really did like her. I also saw the Physician's assistant who had to "warn" me about the prolonged QT (from my EKG) which is something that always gets bad with more restricting. This could cause cardiac arrest so you would think I would be scared shitless about that, but of course my Ed doesn't care and I seem to be nonchalant when I hear it because I have had this problem a number of times. My dietitian wants me to keep a food log for 3 days which Ed likes because I think it makes me want to restrict more. Putting as little as possible on that paper makes me feel like I have accomplished something, but I am going to try very hard not to do that! She just wants to see what a typical day is like for me. One thing that I did not like about going back to treatment was seeing other anorexics. I think this is a very competitive disease and I always think "well I'm not that thin". I wonder if I really don't see myself accurately! I know my diagnosis is anorexia so logically I should tell myself "you're underweight". My experience has shown that it doesn't matter the weight, because it's never good enough and like I said, it's a competition within myself as well, to see how low can I go. I do not need to do that! I need to work on restoring and recovery!! I don't need this in my life. Think of the Freedom Penny!

Living with ED

Happy 4th of July. I can't believe it's already July. I hope the summer doesn't fly by. I need a lot of rest (mentally) from my job as an EBD teacher. I feel like I am spiraling downward. I guess it's good that I start the Emily Program this week. I go back and forth with the whole recovery thing. Why would anyone want to live this way though?! Food should be a pleasant thing, not something to feared and dread! There's really no freedom. I've been asked to go golfing a few times and I like to golf however...there's a part of me that thinks ED has liked it just as much because we walk the course which is good exercise. Now I have all these thoughts in my head before choosing to golf like,"do I feel strong enough?", "do I need to eat more before I go?", "what can I possibly eat? "maybe I should bring candy to suck on", "what if I get too tired?", "maybe I should just say no".Seriously, LIVING should not have to be so difficult, but with ED it is! It seems like every choice is full of questions, most of them ED related. I read on someone's blog yesterday about Green Light behaviors and there were so many that I wanted. I think "yes, wouldn't that be nice?" Here's a few that I could really relate to : flexible about meals, minimal anxiety, not spending so much money and/or time at the grocery store, order what I would like to try at a restaurant-not something safe for Ed, cook freely using regular products, no body checking, Engage is activities and conversations. Wow. It sounds like heaven. It's just so damn hard to change one's thoughts. I have had food rules for so long. I don't think I've ever eaten what's considered normal. I've done DBT and I try to stop the thoughts or change them, but it's not as easy as it sounds. Especially right when you are experiencing them. How do others actually STOP the Ed thoughts and move on???????

What does the future hold?

I found out on Mon. my middle child (son who is in the picture) dropped out of school! He was in tears and told me he just doesn't seem to care. I have suspected for years that he might have depression, and have even taken him to a doctor with this concern a few years ago, but he was never diagnosed with it until this week. I'm so sad for him. He's my one child who I never suspected would have any of my problems. In this picture he had just graduated from high school. It's now 3 years later and he's 21. He's such a sweet heart but said he feels worthless, mostly because I think he just doesn't have a clue about what he wants to do with his life. And with depression being in the way, it's no wonder he couldn't focus on his school work. I just wish he would have said something sooner. His last day of school was last week and I guess he failed the 3 classes he was taking, due to not getting the work in. We took out $18,000 in loans for this college! Ugh- I just want to turn to my eating disorder and blame myself. I did meet a friend for coffee yesterday and talked about this so that is an improvement for me. To actually talk to someone and not just try to deal with it myself. I continue to restrict however, and still feel like I need to get worse before I get better! Our eating disorder minds are so crazy, aren't they! I have an appointment on Friday with a doctor The Emily Program so I'm curious to see how that goes. I still don't have a therapist there, though. I guess I am on a waiting list. There must be a shortage of therapists who work in the field of eating disorders.

Joyful mornings

I love the mornings. I get up early and I'm alone with my coffee and it's my Own time. The birds are singing loud and crazy and I want to sing too (wouldn't want to kill anyone with my voice though!), "it's finally summer!" We Minnesotan's LOVE our summers! When my anorexia came back 3-4 years ago I thought it was mostly due to me getting closer to that "empty nest" stage.My oldest son had just left for college. I put myself into being a mother 100% and pretty much gave up my own life. As much as I LOVED it I do not recommend it to any of you younger moms out there. Nobody ever tells you how Hard it's going to be when your kids grow up and leave. And yea, yea, yea, I know I'm still a mom and my kids will never really leave, but I'm telling you...it's not the same! I actually can't wait to be a Grandma now. Ha! Love my babies!! I have 3 pets now that are my babies. I even carry one of my dogs around on my hip like a little baby. Call me crazy, but I also love animals! I know I need to get more of a life, but it's very hard when ED came back you know how he just wants you to isolate. I give so much of my time to my eating disorder. I'm kind of rambling but the point I was trying to make earlier is that I don't know if it's really empty nest or not because I love to be ALONE,but I wonder...is that the eating disorder? I'm sure it all comes down to Balance and that's not something I'm very good at. I see the "All or Nothing" in me quite a bit. The other hard part about being my age is that people and pets start dying. It's so terribly sad! My dad died 23 years ago and I still haven't gotten over that. He and I were very close. He was a teacher (like me) and a loving, caring man, but he was also an alcoholic (like me)who could have fits of rage that really scared me when I was little. I don't know if I mentioned before that I am a recovered alcoholic and have been sober 13 years ago. I also have depression and was hospitalized for that 13 years ago. I am hopeful because I recovered from alcoholism so I KNOW I can recover from Anorexia too and I HAVE to if I want to Live and be a Grandma!!! I found a great website so check it out! www.youarenotalonebook.com/thankyou.php. Have a good day everyone and Happy Fathers Day.

Discouraged with scheduling appointments!

I had my appointment yesterday at The Emily Program. I was there for 3 hours. I was interviewed - (having to talk about Everything all over again!) and they went over the results of the last testing which didn't show much (somewhat depressed, some anxiety, low self-esteem diagnosis: Anorexia). After that we just scheduled appointments. My first will be with a Doctor, but not until July 9th. The following week I'll see a therapist. I feel like the summer will be over and I'll have to go back to work, without having had hardly any treatment. I guess I was hoping to get into some kind of day program (2 -3 days a week since it's an hour drive both ways) to just focus on first of all being able to eat an actual meal! Maybe I should have just went back to Melrose. I cringe thinking about it, though. Treatment is frustrating and having to schedule all the appointments is also a hassle- especially if you don't live near the treatment facility! It's always difficult to get scheduled with everyone they want you to see on the same day. I really hope this is a good program. I heard it was and I also heard they were more willing to work with the patient and not pressure them so much. They also offer a lot of therapy (art, DBT, cognitive) and yoga classes which I would be interested in. I guess I'll have to practice patience until then!

Celebration & Anguish

We had our daughter's graduation/18th Birthday party on Sunday. It was a success and the rain held out. Thank you Lord! I feel I ate pretty darn well that day too, but....the next day. OMG. You would think I had committed the worst sin. The guilt, the dread, the anxiety, the HATRED of myself. This is what Ed does to me. All of this pain, these awful, terrible feelings just makes me feel like eating is NOT worth it and then ED is the winner, I know. I think back to how I did it when I was Inpatient and I think I really didn't deal with it. I just went through the motions. I wanted to just gain some weight and get out and hopefully move on with my life. Although, as I gained I know I kept having thoughts like "you need to get out of here so you can start losing/exercising, blah, blah, blah" Ed was probably the push to GAIN weight, so I could get back home and succumb to it again. What's sad is that the very first time I was Inpatient, I had more health problems and so I was Very serious about recovering and thought for sure that I had! (I was Inpatient for 6-8 weeks, 3 years ago)Is it only because I had health problems that I wanted to get better? Do I need to be near death to want to get better? How stupid is that! During one of my Inpatient stays I had a roommate who had had a heart attack due to her ED and she was only 26 years old! Does that mean she was successful at having an eating disorder? Do other people think this way or am I really crazy?? I just got an e-mail from another woman, about my age, who I also met Inpatient and she has just spent 3 months in residential! I feel so thankful that she did that. I feel empowered to recover. My team had suggested I do residential, but I just can't bear the thought to be gone from home that long- I'd miss my doggies and kitty so much. I also would feel so guilty because my one dog, my baby "Daisy" is 13 years old and I really want to be with her as much as I can before she dies. One of my pets died during one of my Inpatient stays and so of course I feel guilty about that! I don't really want to do anymore Inpatient stays at this point. I hope the Emily Program can help me!

Frustration!

I've had a rough week. My husband sometimes makes critical comments about the Food which doesn't help at all. It started with him taking away some lunch meat saying it was "light" and I shouldn't be eating that. I finally had a major blow out yelling a couple of nasty things:"your help, isn't helpful!". "just butt out of the food" and "it's because I have F------ anorexia!" I felt bad, but angry, and yet So good that I yelled at him. I'm sick of his "help" which isn't helpful and I'm sick of him acting like a "know it all"! So I sent him an e-mail- I stayed calm and gave him some suggestions on what I thought Would be helpful like being KIND, it's not about the food, etc., don't make comments about what I'm eating, just be glad I'm eating, "don't be the food police". Did this help? He chose not to respond at all and didn't talk to me for almost a week! We had our daughters graduation last Wed. so then he talked to me. OF course it was just chit-chat but at least he's being friendly again. I have not eaten with him since, but actually think I have eaten better without him. Marriage is hard to all you younger girls out there. Don't rush into it! I didn't marry until I was 26, but always feel like I gave up part of myself in the process. I have been married for 23 years this Dec. My husband's a Very nice man, people always make that comment, but he and I Both are kind of introverted so there's not a lot of communication going on! And talking about "ED" isn't really what I want to talk about with him!

Feelings: Why can't I figure myself out?

How do I feel? Oh, I just hate the way I feel. I don't even know how I feel, but I don't like it! Anyone else have this problem? I just don't want to eat today. I feel like I'm too big and it will just never go away. I know, I know "big" is not a feeling! That's why I don't know really how I FEEL. I think I feel stressed and kind of ticked-off. My husband asked me when I was going to the Emily program this week and I was rather short with him and just said I'm not. He said "what?" and just the way he said it - tone of his voice- ticked me off! I just kind of mumbled I wasn't going back until I was finished with work for the summer. I maybe could have scheduled something sooner, but part of me thinks I'm still not sick enough, so why hurry? Anyway I just want him to stay out of it!!! It angers me when he talks about anything having to do with my eating disorder. Everything they recommended at Melrose, only makes me feel MAD, like he's interfering and I want him to butt out and leave me alone. I know my ED just wants me to be alone. I do however, take comfort in being alone! My therapist would tend to disagree with that, saying I'm much more outgoing then I give myself credit for. Well I USE to be. I use to enjoy going out and being with my friends, however I drank a lot back then too! Not a good thing! There's a huge part of me that LOVES to be alone; to lie around and read and just enjoy the peace and quiet. I need to find some balance though, and not just totally isolate. I did go to a weekly Bible study this past year (from Sept- April) and I really enjoyed that except all the ladies there were 10+ years older than me! It seems like whenever I sign up for things, like when I took a quilting class, everyone was older than me and I'm 49! I am kind of an "old soul" at heart and enjoy being with older people, but it would be nice to have some women my own age to connect with. I am also going to a couple of retirement parties right after work in the next week and look forward to that, but also look forward to the fact that I won't be home for dinner! I'm sick of dinners at home and always having to PLAN what I am going to eat! Man, I just wish I could be alone.

Selfish?

When I confided in a friend 3 years ago that my anorexia was back (she and I struggled together in high school/college) she told me that eating disorders are very selfish. I have to admit I was pretty angry. I replied that I think all I ever do is GIVE. I am a mother of 3 and I work with special education children and I was volunteering at the Animal Humaine Society. My love for my family, children, and animals is Strong! So strong that it HURTS! When I see all the abuse in the world and the mistreatment of people and animals it just HURTS! I wonder why we live in such a crazy world and how can people be so MEAN!! I know I should focus on all the GOOD out there but we all need to open our eyes - we can't ignore what's going on. I work with so many dysfunctional families too and feel so bad for their children. Does this make me selfish? I guess I kind of understand what she means, due to the fact that the Ed takes over our minds and most of us spend most of our days thinking about it so it is kind of like being selfish. It's also an illness that none of us choose to have. It has been my experience that it is one of the most difficult things to overcome. I often think back to how did I recover 23 years ago. Well, I don't think I ever really did. I was at a healthy weight for most of my kids childhood years but I still was Very cautious of what I ate, and I exercised everyday. Maybe I was never really "better" - on the outside maybe, but not on the inside.

Psych Eval

I went for my evaluation yesterday at The Emily Program. It was a 2 hour appointment filling out paper word and taking a Psych. Eval. on the computer. This was 565 true/false questions like "I'm afraid of snakes" (no not really), "I'm afraid of heights" (yes), "I have attempted suicide" (sort of). It seems like "sometimes" should have been one of the answers. 13 years ago I was hitting rock bottom with my alcoholism. I was so distraught one day, I found myself sitting on the bathroom floor with a razor in my hand, "scratching" my wrist, wanting so badly to just end it, but knowing I would Not do it. Does that count as attempted suicide? I will never forget the pain I felt and the feeling that I would NEVER be able to overcome the alcoholism because everyday I would say I am not going to drink and everyday I drank anyway. I had no control over this. The difference between my alcoholism and "Ed" was that I felt so much sicker with the alcoholism. I'd wake up feeling and looking crappy and I could just feel/smell the alcohol seeping through my pores. It was disgusting. Sure with the anorexia I feel weak and tired at times, but I also have a lot of energy and then, as some of you know, there is almost a "high" with the restricting. The summers have been very hard for me. I feel like my "Ed" can totally engulf me. I remember the summer 3 years ago before I went in for treatment the first time. I spent a lot of time sleeping and I spent nights scared to death thinking I was not going to wake up if I fell asleep. I was having chest discomfort and was very scared! I don't want to die from this and yet I can't seem to believe that it is really bad for me. I tell myself all the time, of course my body/organs can not survive on so little food. I'm not superwoman. It could kill me (really? Why can't I believe it???) I remember my therapist telling me something like I think a lot of things don't apply to me. I remember when this all started back in 1978, I did have a tendency to live by my own rules. I was angry at not fitting in and at kids for being so cruel. When I lost weight and got contact lenses and a haircut, it seems that all of a sudden I got noticed. I looked good. But it was too late- I wanted to "sock it to them!"- all those kids who thought they were too good for everybody. I remember my sister-in-law asking me why therapists always go back and want to talk about your childhood. Well, it really does seem that our childhoods are what shape and form us. and it's hard to forget all the crap! IF only I could remember/focus on all the good and fun times I had. I know they were there as well!

Feelings/Therapy/Future

Who else out there would feel so excited because they have time off work so that they can EXERCISE?? I have been working at 2 schools this year; my usual job at the middle school in the morning and an elementary school in the afternoon. There is no middle school today or tomorrow, so I have been so excited thinking about the extra exercise I can get in. I mean I dream of hours and hours of it, wanting to just get rid of whatever it is I am trying to get rid of! The number on the scale today has pissed me off so now I am really determined. I'm a smart person. I know that one can not actually gain or lose a pound in a day, but the scale shows this because of bodily fluids. IT still ANGERS me when it goes up. UGH!!! Talk about sick thinking! Tomorrow I go for my evaluation at The Emily Program. I am feeling all kinds of things: dread, excitement, fear. I wonder if it will be just like the Melrose Institute. When I use to go to Melrose, I talked to several people who had gone through the Emily Program and said it was very similar. I don't know if that will be a good thing. Maybe I need something different and new. At least there will be different people there. Maybe a different therapist would be a good thing. I really liked my old one- she was the same age as me (49), a recovered alcoholic (like me)and so she definitely understood addictions and she was hard on me (which I need!) but I just wasn't getting anywhere. Maybe that's not true. I probably made a lot of progress. I was doing more things, etc. and getting out of the house trying to get out of the eating disorder- but there was/is such a Huge part of me that just doesn't want to give this up! I feel like I have to go to therapy for OTHER people so they will leave me alone. So many want me to recover. I just don't know if I am ready to yet. Perhaps I just like the comfort of the eating disorder. One thing that I find sad is that my summer vacation will soon start and I keep thinking of making plans to go here and there or take some vacations, but then I think about ED and how maybe I should do nothing at all but stay home and give ED all my time. He's a cruel task master!

contemplating

I feel like I ate pretty well over the weekend. I was with my husband and feel like I HAVE to because I am with him and I don't want his "evil" eye and/or critical comments that only make it all worse! Of course I still don't eat all that he thinks I am. Our eating disorders are very sly-devils. I am starting a new treatment center this week. I have a 2 hour appointment on Fri- mostly to do paperwork. I don't even know if I really want any treatment at this point because I don't think I am able to give up my "bones". I don't like the way I look afterwords. Who am I, without this? I have tried to find out- signed up for classes, did this and that...all that was recommended and still, nothing has changed. The new place I am going to try is called the Emily Program. I did 3 years at Melrose and got sick of it/treatment. No matter where I go it's going to be an hour drive there and an hour drive home. I'm use to the drive and actually kind of enjoy it - listening to music and being alone with my thoughts- but I know I also use that as an excuse not to go! Wish me luck!

Scared

I read an article yesterday online from Web MD entitled "Anorexia: The Body Neglected" and it scared me enough to finally pick up the phone and make an appointment at the Emily Program. I want to try something new. They don't have Inpatient but I'm not interested in doing that this summer. It's my daughter's last summer home before she goes to college and I don't want to spend it "In" again, which I have done the last 3 SUMMERS! What a life. Is this all that's left for me with my kids gone? ED Treatment. I cringe when I think of all the food they expect me to eat. I have never eaten the way they say I should my entire life! No wonder it's hard to change. I grew up with a mother who snacked all day until dinner and complain about fat content, etc. I became anorexic the first time when I was 17. I weighed as much as a thin elementary kid. My parents showed concern sometimes (more my dad) but never took me to a doctor. I finally went myself and remember the Dr telling me to just eat an avocado a day and that would fatten me up.(It was 1979-1980) I couldn't wait to get home to check my calorie book (I was a calorie expert) but had no idea how many were in an avocado. To this day I can not eat them! Thanks Dr Miller!

7 days of ED

My husband left for a week long fishing trip and of course my Ed loves that - No more hiding - eat what I want, when I want and exercise as much as I want. I did aerobics this morning and plan on a long walk later since it will finally be in the 70's today and sunny!! Of course the goal of all this is to lose weight even though I should be doing the opposite. I just feel such a NEED to do this. I dropped out of treatment last Nov but have been seeing my family practice Dr for monthly check ups and my EKG's and blood work have been ok so that's good, I guess. I know if I went back to Melrose they would tell me I'm not doing well and need treatment. I feel like I'm 2 people- one person knows this is true, the other is in denial. (They would say that's the Ed part) It just feels like it's really ME!!! I maybe lost myself so long ago- eating, diet, exercise seems to be my life and all that's on my mind. IT's such an addiction. If anyone wants to leave comments I would appreciate it! Thanks!

Where I'm at right now

I have not been very successful at journaling, so I've decided to try this instead. I've been fighting my eating disorder for 3 years this time. I had it back in high school and college, but it seemed to lay dormant after I had kids and I had the thrill of being a mom. Those were such fun days. I sometimes wish I could go back to those days, but I know I'll have lots of fun being a grandma someday. Maybe that could be an incentive to get better. Sometimes I just don't know if I want to give this up. I have Anorexia. I was Inpatient for 7 weeks at Methodist hospital and then continued with out-patient and then In again and again and again! I decided to give it up last Nov. I'm just sick of treatment and maybe I'm just not ready. I have managed to work full time and yes I'm thin and yes it's always on my mind, but.... I'm still functioning. Why exactly do I want to live this way? Ed/Ana/whatever is all I seem to think about. I'm a Special Ed. Teacher at a middle school. I am really looking forward to the summer break but also know I could REALLY backslide with all that time off. I am also a recovered alcoholic. Have been for 13 years and I really see how these addictions are very similar. With the alcohol I was SO ready to give it up. It took a few tries but then it managed to stick. I was really rock bottom though. I thought I was rock bottom with the anorexia 3 years ago, but maybe not. It's really hard to believe that it will ever go away. They recommended I do Residential but I really don't want to. It is just so hard to eat the way they say I have to eat every single day! UGH!!!