Thursday, July 22, 2010


Thanks to those who responded. I appreciate your kind words. My appointments yesterday went well and they are in total support of my starting their "Day program", but first, I need to set up Another Intake appointment with the therapist who runs the program so that means more WAITING involved. I might not be able to start until the first week of August. That's fine with me, but then I can only go for 2 weeks and then it's back to my teaching job! Oh well, it would be good to at least get that much time under my belt and get back on track with this whole eating business. Then it's up to ME to stick with it!! It's funny how I kind of think of eating as being a job. It's not always pleasant and it's time consuming. It takes planning and preparation. It causes so much stress and anxiety. Ugh! Just one more thing to do in a girls busy day. I have to do this though. I have to Want this for Myself. The last few days were stressful and I was feeling very depressed. Today, however I was feeling much more peaceful, after reading some of the book Co-Dependent No More. The chapter on detaching is especially good. It says we don't detach from others for their good. We do it for Ourselves so we can feel calm and peaceful. How true! As far as this codependency thing goes, my husband is not an alcoholic. I grew up with an alcoholic father though, and so I continue to have all these symptoms of codependency- always worrying and wondering what my husband's thinking. Always putting his needs (and the family's) before my own. (Needs? DO I have needs??) It's truly crazy. One thing I really look forward to in recovery is to lose all the thoughts about food, also. If I'm not thinking about my husband and his feelings then I'm thinking about food. I know that once my body starts getting what it needs all these obsessive thoughts will stop. Maybe not right away, but it will happen. At least that's what everybody tells me! God Bless everyone and here's to fighting eating disorders!!


  1. Hi!

    I hope you don't mind me giving you you some thoughts and advice about your plan. Two weeks is not enough time. You will barely get started and then you will leave, and from my own past experience (which I will explain in a minute), you will return to teaching and putting others before you and the plan will be the first thing to go.

    I know because I have been hospitalized seven times for my anorexia, and just went through six weeks of partial hospitalization (PHP) at a nearby eating disorders center. Six weeks was not enough and I started restricting almost the moment I came home. I did not give myself enough time to even begin to get into a recovery mode; six weeks was just like dipping my toe in a lake and calling it swimming. And I have only been battling anorexia for about four years (although I did have a suspected bout - long story - when I was in college more than 20 years ago. I recovered and did not develop my illness until I was 41.)

    You have had anorexia for more than 30 years!!! Two weeks won't begin to touch that. Is there any way you could take sick leave for the fall and go through the program longer? That way you will build a foundation that could give you a strong chance at lasting recovery.

    I was in PHP in May and June, and planned to leave by six weeks so I could return to graduate school at the end of June. I was insistent that I could not miss this class, could not drop it, had to take it, etc. etc. I was no where near my ideal body weight (I was admitted at 94 pounds) when I left, and lost five pounds I gained in PHP within a few weeks after discharge. But I had to have that class (or so I told myself.) Now I'm struggling to not drop to the double-digit weight - my danger zone both mentally and physically - and kicking myself for not giving myself some real time to try and get better.

    Don't sabotage your recovery. Give yourself a real chance so you can live your life free from anorexia. I know it's a living hell for me, and it seems to be for everyone. I know everyone is different, but two weeks will barely touch this illness.

    Just one final thought - you said then it's up to you to stick with it. Wouldn't you have done that by now if it were possible?

    I'm sorry to sound so blunt, and maybe you will delete these words. It's just - I have a friend who spent six months in treatment and still relapsed. I've seen what this can do to people. Give yourself a chance, please!

  2. Oh, I totally agree with everything you've said. I have been Inpatient so many times- the first time for 6 weeks, followed by Partial Day program for 4 weeks, and then IOP for another 4 weeks! All of that 4 years ago and I'm back were I started! I have been told I really should do Residential and perhaps I will someday. That would be for at Least 3 months. I have taken so many leaves, at work for this. I was determined not to last year and I didn' but sure didn't succeed in the recovery dept. I do not want to take a leave this year either. That's why I'm so mad my treatment didn't start in June when I wanted it to! I plan on sticking with treatment for as long as I have to which could be for life, and even if it means driving ALL the way there every week- I know I just can't do this ALONE. I guess I learned that even though I can get weight restored, I am not cured by a long shot!