Thursday, May 27, 2010
Who else out there would feel so excited because they have time off work so that they can EXERCISE?? I have been working at 2 schools this year; my usual job at the middle school in the morning and an elementary school in the afternoon. There is no middle school today or tomorrow, so I have been so excited thinking about the extra exercise I can get in. I mean I dream of hours and hours of it, wanting to just get rid of whatever it is I am trying to get rid of! The number on the scale today has pissed me off so now I am really determined. I'm a smart person. I know that one can not actually gain or lose a pound in a day, but the scale shows this because of bodily fluids. IT still ANGERS me when it goes up. UGH!!! Talk about sick thinking! Tomorrow I go for my evaluation at The Emily Program. I am feeling all kinds of things: dread, excitement, fear. I wonder if it will be just like the Melrose Institute. When I use to go to Melrose, I talked to several people who had gone through the Emily Program and said it was very similar. I don't know if that will be a good thing. Maybe I need something different and new. At least there will be different people there. Maybe a different therapist would be a good thing. I really liked my old one- she was the same age as me (49), a recovered alcoholic (like me)and so she definitely understood addictions and she was hard on me (which I need!) but I just wasn't getting anywhere. Maybe that's not true. I probably made a lot of progress. I was doing more things, etc. and getting out of the house trying to get out of the eating disorder- but there was/is such a Huge part of me that just doesn't want to give this up! I feel like I have to go to therapy for OTHER people so they will leave me alone. So many want me to recover. I just don't know if I am ready to yet. Perhaps I just like the comfort of the eating disorder. One thing that I find sad is that my summer vacation will soon start and I keep thinking of making plans to go here and there or take some vacations, but then I think about ED and how maybe I should do nothing at all but stay home and give ED all my time. He's a cruel task master!