Well, I just finished 2 days of IDP (Intensive Day Programming) and I guess the main feelings I've been having are Hatred and Anger. I hate eating this food and I'm angry at myself for doing it. and yet it was my idea. I didn't want to go back to work being embarrassed and ashamed of the way I look. I haven't been able to wear short sleeves all summer because even I can see my arms look ugly, sickly, just Too thin. At least I can see it. I keep reminding myself that food is my medicine but I still don't like it. I've been wondering about all my anger. I've seen a therapist for the past 4 years and talked about all my issues, but I guess this is what I don't understand. How is therapy suppose to help someone? How is talking about everything suppose to help? I've already talked about all the anger I've had at my dad for being an alcoholic, dying too young, and not being able to see all the wonderful grand kids he would have so loved. I've already talked about the miserable middle school years (who's weren't miserable? Ha!) I've already talked about how it HURT so bad 4 years ago, when so many people I knew died and one of my dear old dogs.:( I thought if this is what it's like when you get older, maybe I don't want to be here! So all of it's been talked about and I still feel miserable about it all. I guess I just don't understand how it's suppose to help, or I guess I wish it helped more than it has.
I'm so glad the weekend is here and I don't have to follow my meal plan. I guess this is not a good sign. I've already decided I won't be doing any of the tallies I'm suppose to do during the week either, before programming, because...I'm already eating a hell of a lot more there then I have been all summer. I'm still wanting so badly to do this MY way. The thing is I did do things my own way for a good 10 years and I was at an ok weight, so I guess it can be done. That's not to say my eating wasn't disordered...it always has been... but I was medically ok. That is were I would kind of like to be back to. Honestly, maybe I don't. My ED is so strong it doesn't want me to have anything but IT!