Saturday, June 26, 2010

What does the future hold?

I found out on Mon. my middle child (son who is in the picture) dropped out of school! He was in tears and told me he just doesn't seem to care. I have suspected for years that he might have depression, and have even taken him to a doctor with this concern a few years ago, but he was never diagnosed with it until this week. I'm so sad for him. He's my one child who I never suspected would have any of my problems. In this picture he had just graduated from high school. It's now 3 years later and he's 21. He's such a sweet heart but said he feels worthless, mostly because I think he just doesn't have a clue about what he wants to do with his life. And with depression being in the way, it's no wonder he couldn't focus on his school work. I just wish he would have said something sooner. His last day of school was last week and I guess he failed the 3 classes he was taking, due to not getting the work in. We took out $18,000 in loans for this college! Ugh- I just want to turn to my eating disorder and blame myself. I did meet a friend for coffee yesterday and talked about this so that is an improvement for me. To actually talk to someone and not just try to deal with it myself. I continue to restrict however, and still feel like I need to get worse before I get better! Our eating disorder minds are so crazy, aren't they! I have an appointment on Friday with a doctor The Emily Program so I'm curious to see how that goes. I still don't have a therapist there, though. I guess I am on a waiting list. There must be a shortage of therapists who work in the field of eating disorders.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Joyful mornings

I love the mornings. I get up early and I'm alone with my coffee and it's my Own time. The birds are singing loud and crazy and I want to sing too (wouldn't want to kill anyone with my voice though!), "it's finally summer!" We Minnesotan's LOVE our summers! When my anorexia came back 3-4 years ago I thought it was mostly due to me getting closer to that "empty nest" stage.My oldest son had just left for college. I put myself into being a mother 100% and pretty much gave up my own life. As much as I LOVED it I do not recommend it to any of you younger moms out there. Nobody ever tells you how Hard it's going to be when your kids grow up and leave. And yea, yea, yea, I know I'm still a mom and my kids will never really leave, but I'm telling's not the same! I actually can't wait to be a Grandma now. Ha! Love my babies!! I have 3 pets now that are my babies. I even carry one of my dogs around on my hip like a little baby. Call me crazy, but I also love animals! I know I need to get more of a life, but it's very hard when ED came back you know how he just wants you to isolate. I give so much of my time to my eating disorder. I'm kind of rambling but the point I was trying to make earlier is that I don't know if it's really empty nest or not because I love to be ALONE,but I that the eating disorder? I'm sure it all comes down to Balance and that's not something I'm very good at. I see the "All or Nothing" in me quite a bit. The other hard part about being my age is that people and pets start dying. It's so terribly sad! My dad died 23 years ago and I still haven't gotten over that. He and I were very close. He was a teacher (like me) and a loving, caring man, but he was also an alcoholic (like me)who could have fits of rage that really scared me when I was little. I don't know if I mentioned before that I am a recovered alcoholic and have been sober 13 years ago. I also have depression and was hospitalized for that 13 years ago. I am hopeful because I recovered from alcoholism so I KNOW I can recover from Anorexia too and I HAVE to if I want to Live and be a Grandma!!! I found a great website so check it out! Have a good day everyone and Happy Fathers Day.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Discouraged with scheduling appointments!

I had my appointment yesterday at The Emily Program. I was there for 3 hours. I was interviewed - (having to talk about Everything all over again!) and they went over the results of the last testing which didn't show much (somewhat depressed, some anxiety, low self-esteem diagnosis: Anorexia). After that we just scheduled appointments. My first will be with a Doctor, but not until July 9th. The following week I'll see a therapist. I feel like the summer will be over and I'll have to go back to work, without having had hardly any treatment. I guess I was hoping to get into some kind of day program (2 -3 days a week since it's an hour drive both ways) to just focus on first of all being able to eat an actual meal! Maybe I should have just went back to Melrose. I cringe thinking about it, though. Treatment is frustrating and having to schedule all the appointments is also a hassle- especially if you don't live near the treatment facility! It's always difficult to get scheduled with everyone they want you to see on the same day. I really hope this is a good program. I heard it was and I also heard they were more willing to work with the patient and not pressure them so much. They also offer a lot of therapy (art, DBT, cognitive) and yoga classes which I would be interested in. I guess I'll have to practice patience until then!

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Celebration & Anguish

We had our daughter's graduation/18th Birthday party on Sunday. It was a success and the rain held out. Thank you Lord! I feel I ate pretty darn well that day too, but....the next day. OMG. You would think I had committed the worst sin. The guilt, the dread, the anxiety, the HATRED of myself. This is what Ed does to me. All of this pain, these awful, terrible feelings just makes me feel like eating is NOT worth it and then ED is the winner, I know. I think back to how I did it when I was Inpatient and I think I really didn't deal with it. I just went through the motions. I wanted to just gain some weight and get out and hopefully move on with my life. Although, as I gained I know I kept having thoughts like "you need to get out of here so you can start losing/exercising, blah, blah, blah" Ed was probably the push to GAIN weight, so I could get back home and succumb to it again. What's sad is that the very first time I was Inpatient, I had more health problems and so I was Very serious about recovering and thought for sure that I had! (I was Inpatient for 6-8 weeks, 3 years ago)Is it only because I had health problems that I wanted to get better? Do I need to be near death to want to get better? How stupid is that! During one of my Inpatient stays I had a roommate who had had a heart attack due to her ED and she was only 26 years old! Does that mean she was successful at having an eating disorder? Do other people think this way or am I really crazy?? I just got an e-mail from another woman, about my age, who I also met Inpatient and she has just spent 3 months in residential! I feel so thankful that she did that. I feel empowered to recover. My team had suggested I do residential, but I just can't bear the thought to be gone from home that long- I'd miss my doggies and kitty so much. I also would feel so guilty because my one dog, my baby "Daisy" is 13 years old and I really want to be with her as much as I can before she dies. One of my pets died during one of my Inpatient stays and so of course I feel guilty about that! I don't really want to do anymore Inpatient stays at this point. I hope the Emily Program can help me!

Friday, June 11, 2010


I've had a rough week. My husband sometimes makes critical comments about the Food which doesn't help at all. It started with him taking away some lunch meat saying it was "light" and I shouldn't be eating that. I finally had a major blow out yelling a couple of nasty things:"your help, isn't helpful!". "just butt out of the food" and "it's because I have F------ anorexia!" I felt bad, but angry, and yet So good that I yelled at him. I'm sick of his "help" which isn't helpful and I'm sick of him acting like a "know it all"! So I sent him an e-mail- I stayed calm and gave him some suggestions on what I thought Would be helpful like being KIND, it's not about the food, etc., don't make comments about what I'm eating, just be glad I'm eating, "don't be the food police". Did this help? He chose not to respond at all and didn't talk to me for almost a week! We had our daughters graduation last Wed. so then he talked to me. OF course it was just chit-chat but at least he's being friendly again. I have not eaten with him since, but actually think I have eaten better without him. Marriage is hard to all you younger girls out there. Don't rush into it! I didn't marry until I was 26, but always feel like I gave up part of myself in the process. I have been married for 23 years this Dec. My husband's a Very nice man, people always make that comment, but he and I Both are kind of introverted so there's not a lot of communication going on! And talking about "ED" isn't really what I want to talk about with him!

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Feelings: Why can't I figure myself out?

How do I feel? Oh, I just hate the way I feel. I don't even know how I feel, but I don't like it! Anyone else have this problem? I just don't want to eat today. I feel like I'm too big and it will just never go away. I know, I know "big" is not a feeling! That's why I don't know really how I FEEL. I think I feel stressed and kind of ticked-off. My husband asked me when I was going to the Emily program this week and I was rather short with him and just said I'm not. He said "what?" and just the way he said it - tone of his voice- ticked me off! I just kind of mumbled I wasn't going back until I was finished with work for the summer. I maybe could have scheduled something sooner, but part of me thinks I'm still not sick enough, so why hurry? Anyway I just want him to stay out of it!!! It angers me when he talks about anything having to do with my eating disorder. Everything they recommended at Melrose, only makes me feel MAD, like he's interfering and I want him to butt out and leave me alone. I know my ED just wants me to be alone. I do however, take comfort in being alone! My therapist would tend to disagree with that, saying I'm much more outgoing then I give myself credit for. Well I USE to be. I use to enjoy going out and being with my friends, however I drank a lot back then too! Not a good thing! There's a huge part of me that LOVES to be alone; to lie around and read and just enjoy the peace and quiet. I need to find some balance though, and not just totally isolate. I did go to a weekly Bible study this past year (from Sept- April) and I really enjoyed that except all the ladies there were 10+ years older than me! It seems like whenever I sign up for things, like when I took a quilting class, everyone was older than me and I'm 49! I am kind of an "old soul" at heart and enjoy being with older people, but it would be nice to have some women my own age to connect with. I am also going to a couple of retirement parties right after work in the next week and look forward to that, but also look forward to the fact that I won't be home for dinner! I'm sick of dinners at home and always having to PLAN what I am going to eat! Man, I just wish I could be alone.