Thursday, July 22, 2010


Thanks to those who responded. I appreciate your kind words. My appointments yesterday went well and they are in total support of my starting their "Day program", but first, I need to set up Another Intake appointment with the therapist who runs the program so that means more WAITING involved. I might not be able to start until the first week of August. That's fine with me, but then I can only go for 2 weeks and then it's back to my teaching job! Oh well, it would be good to at least get that much time under my belt and get back on track with this whole eating business. Then it's up to ME to stick with it!! It's funny how I kind of think of eating as being a job. It's not always pleasant and it's time consuming. It takes planning and preparation. It causes so much stress and anxiety. Ugh! Just one more thing to do in a girls busy day. I have to do this though. I have to Want this for Myself. The last few days were stressful and I was feeling very depressed. Today, however I was feeling much more peaceful, after reading some of the book Co-Dependent No More. The chapter on detaching is especially good. It says we don't detach from others for their good. We do it for Ourselves so we can feel calm and peaceful. How true! As far as this codependency thing goes, my husband is not an alcoholic. I grew up with an alcoholic father though, and so I continue to have all these symptoms of codependency- always worrying and wondering what my husband's thinking. Always putting his needs (and the family's) before my own. (Needs? DO I have needs??) It's truly crazy. One thing I really look forward to in recovery is to lose all the thoughts about food, also. If I'm not thinking about my husband and his feelings then I'm thinking about food. I know that once my body starts getting what it needs all these obsessive thoughts will stop. Maybe not right away, but it will happen. At least that's what everybody tells me! God Bless everyone and here's to fighting eating disorders!!

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Down again

I'm pretty sure I need a higher level of care. I keep debating if I should ask for it tomorrow when I see my New therapist for the very first time! Kind of a strange way to start out with her! I was hoping to have started this treatment program at the beginning of June and it is now the end of July! I had to wait this long to see someone. Quite sad really. They obviously need more help in the eating disorder field. I know they have a day program similar to the one I use to go to. I'm not sure what the hours are, but I think you eat 2 meals and 2 snacks there. I started with a dietitian 2 weeks ago and was given a small meal plan to follow and have not exactly done it. I get home and I feel so unmotivated. I feel sick and tired a lot and then I'm motivated to recover. After resting and feeling better, the motivation is gone and I'm back to thinking "well I'm not that bad". My blood work 2 weeks ago showed overall protein as being Low as well as White blood count low. It's no wonder I don't feel well. I continue to worry about what this is doing to my poor heart. I think it's perhaps harder on me now due to my age, than it was when I was 18. I don't want to say numbers but I am anorexic, I have lost weight, and for some sick reason I seem to keep trying to lose more. That is why I think I need a higher level of care. I have to much freedom and no desire to take care of myself. My husbands been a jerk lately and no help at all. It seems like I have to tell him over and over what he could do to help and he does it for a while, and then he "drops the ball" and is back to his old ways. I know I feel a lot of anger with him that I probably need to explore and I would like to tell him also but perhaps I fear pushing him away.? I have read a lot about co-dependency and feel I struggle with that also. Co- dependents are not comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings. I need to keep telling myself I have a right to express myself and not care what others think! I can think that but it's much harder to actually do it. I love the quote "Say what you mean...because those that matter don't care" I can't remember it exactly right now but it is a good one! Well, I guess that's it for now. I'll just have to wait until tomorrow and see what happens.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Hopeful once again!

I went to The Emily Program yesterday. I loved my new dietitian! She has given me hope. She seems very understanding and feels that treatment could be a life-long thing for me because I have had disordered eating my whole life. This actually felt good to hear because now I don't feel so much pressure to get "over it"! I have been basically brain washed and now I need to get brain washed the other way and obviously that will take a Long time! I kind of felt like my therapist gave up on me at Melrose, because our last session she said "well we've tried just about everything..." ? I just felt like she was sick of seeing me (after 3 years) and so I never went back. I feel bad about that and also know I have a tendency to make a Lot of assumptions that are not true. Maybe I should write her a letter.? I really did like her. I also saw the Physician's assistant who had to "warn" me about the prolonged QT (from my EKG) which is something that always gets bad with more restricting. This could cause cardiac arrest so you would think I would be scared shitless about that, but of course my Ed doesn't care and I seem to be nonchalant when I hear it because I have had this problem a number of times. My dietitian wants me to keep a food log for 3 days which Ed likes because I think it makes me want to restrict more. Putting as little as possible on that paper makes me feel like I have accomplished something, but I am going to try very hard not to do that! She just wants to see what a typical day is like for me. One thing that I did not like about going back to treatment was seeing other anorexics. I think this is a very competitive disease and I always think "well I'm not that thin". I wonder if I really don't see myself accurately! I know my diagnosis is anorexia so logically I should tell myself "you're underweight". My experience has shown that it doesn't matter the weight, because it's never good enough and like I said, it's a competition within myself as well, to see how low can I go. I do not need to do that! I need to work on restoring and recovery!! I don't need this in my life. Think of the Freedom Penny!

Monday, July 5, 2010

Living with ED

Happy 4th of July. I can't believe it's already July. I hope the summer doesn't fly by. I need a lot of rest (mentally) from my job as an EBD teacher. I feel like I am spiraling downward. I guess it's good that I start the Emily Program this week. I go back and forth with the whole recovery thing. Why would anyone want to live this way though?! Food should be a pleasant thing, not something to feared and dread! There's really no freedom. I've been asked to go golfing a few times and I like to golf however...there's a part of me that thinks ED has liked it just as much because we walk the course which is good exercise. Now I have all these thoughts in my head before choosing to golf like,"do I feel strong enough?", "do I need to eat more before I go?", "what can I possibly eat? "maybe I should bring candy to suck on", "what if I get too tired?", "maybe I should just say no".Seriously, LIVING should not have to be so difficult, but with ED it is! It seems like every choice is full of questions, most of them ED related. I read on someone's blog yesterday about Green Light behaviors and there were so many that I wanted. I think "yes, wouldn't that be nice?" Here's a few that I could really relate to : flexible about meals, minimal anxiety, not spending so much money and/or time at the grocery store, order what I would like to try at a restaurant-not something safe for Ed, cook freely using regular products, no body checking, Engage is activities and conversations. Wow. It sounds like heaven. It's just so damn hard to change one's thoughts. I have had food rules for so long. I don't think I've ever eaten what's considered normal. I've done DBT and I try to stop the thoughts or change them, but it's not as easy as it sounds. Especially right when you are experiencing them. How do others actually STOP the Ed thoughts and move on???????