Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Celebration & Anguish

We had our daughter's graduation/18th Birthday party on Sunday. It was a success and the rain held out. Thank you Lord! I feel I ate pretty darn well that day too, but....the next day. OMG. You would think I had committed the worst sin. The guilt, the dread, the anxiety, the HATRED of myself. This is what Ed does to me. All of this pain, these awful, terrible feelings just makes me feel like eating is NOT worth it and then ED is the winner, I know. I think back to how I did it when I was Inpatient and I think I really didn't deal with it. I just went through the motions. I wanted to just gain some weight and get out and hopefully move on with my life. Although, as I gained I know I kept having thoughts like "you need to get out of here so you can start losing/exercising, blah, blah, blah" Ed was probably the push to GAIN weight, so I could get back home and succumb to it again. What's sad is that the very first time I was Inpatient, I had more health problems and so I was Very serious about recovering and thought for sure that I had! (I was Inpatient for 6-8 weeks, 3 years ago)Is it only because I had health problems that I wanted to get better? Do I need to be near death to want to get better? How stupid is that! During one of my Inpatient stays I had a roommate who had had a heart attack due to her ED and she was only 26 years old! Does that mean she was successful at having an eating disorder? Do other people think this way or am I really crazy?? I just got an e-mail from another woman, about my age, who I also met Inpatient and she has just spent 3 months in residential! I feel so thankful that she did that. I feel empowered to recover. My team had suggested I do residential, but I just can't bear the thought to be gone from home that long- I'd miss my doggies and kitty so much. I also would feel so guilty because my one dog, my baby "Daisy" is 13 years old and I really want to be with her as much as I can before she dies. One of my pets died during one of my Inpatient stays and so of course I feel guilty about that! I don't really want to do anymore Inpatient stays at this point. I hope the Emily Program can help me!

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