Friday, July 9, 2010
Hopeful once again!
I went to The Emily Program yesterday. I loved my new dietitian! She has given me hope. She seems very understanding and feels that treatment could be a life-long thing for me because I have had disordered eating my whole life. This actually felt good to hear because now I don't feel so much pressure to get "over it"! I have been basically brain washed and now I need to get brain washed the other way and obviously that will take a Long time! I kind of felt like my therapist gave up on me at Melrose, because our last session she said "well we've tried just about everything..." ? I just felt like she was sick of seeing me (after 3 years) and so I never went back. I feel bad about that and also know I have a tendency to make a Lot of assumptions that are not true. Maybe I should write her a letter.? I really did like her. I also saw the Physician's assistant who had to "warn" me about the prolonged QT (from my EKG) which is something that always gets bad with more restricting. This could cause cardiac arrest so you would think I would be scared shitless about that, but of course my Ed doesn't care and I seem to be nonchalant when I hear it because I have had this problem a number of times. My dietitian wants me to keep a food log for 3 days which Ed likes because I think it makes me want to restrict more. Putting as little as possible on that paper makes me feel like I have accomplished something, but I am going to try very hard not to do that! She just wants to see what a typical day is like for me. One thing that I did not like about going back to treatment was seeing other anorexics. I think this is a very competitive disease and I always think "well I'm not that thin". I wonder if I really don't see myself accurately! I know my diagnosis is anorexia so logically I should tell myself "you're underweight". My experience has shown that it doesn't matter the weight, because it's never good enough and like I said, it's a competition within myself as well, to see how low can I go. I do not need to do that! I need to work on restoring and recovery!! I don't need this in my life. Think of the Freedom Penny!