Friday, July 9, 2010

Hopeful once again!

I went to The Emily Program yesterday. I loved my new dietitian! She has given me hope. She seems very understanding and feels that treatment could be a life-long thing for me because I have had disordered eating my whole life. This actually felt good to hear because now I don't feel so much pressure to get "over it"! I have been basically brain washed and now I need to get brain washed the other way and obviously that will take a Long time! I kind of felt like my therapist gave up on me at Melrose, because our last session she said "well we've tried just about everything..." ? I just felt like she was sick of seeing me (after 3 years) and so I never went back. I feel bad about that and also know I have a tendency to make a Lot of assumptions that are not true. Maybe I should write her a letter.? I really did like her. I also saw the Physician's assistant who had to "warn" me about the prolonged QT (from my EKG) which is something that always gets bad with more restricting. This could cause cardiac arrest so you would think I would be scared shitless about that, but of course my Ed doesn't care and I seem to be nonchalant when I hear it because I have had this problem a number of times. My dietitian wants me to keep a food log for 3 days which Ed likes because I think it makes me want to restrict more. Putting as little as possible on that paper makes me feel like I have accomplished something, but I am going to try very hard not to do that! She just wants to see what a typical day is like for me. One thing that I did not like about going back to treatment was seeing other anorexics. I think this is a very competitive disease and I always think "well I'm not that thin". I wonder if I really don't see myself accurately! I know my diagnosis is anorexia so logically I should tell myself "you're underweight". My experience has shown that it doesn't matter the weight, because it's never good enough and like I said, it's a competition within myself as well, to see how low can I go. I do not need to do that! I need to work on restoring and recovery!! I don't need this in my life. Think of the Freedom Penny!


  1. Never, EVER give up. Recovery MUST be a life-long effort!!! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!!! Respect the power the ED has... and can have... when you look at it that way, every day will be a day IN and WITH recovery...

    Maybe, as you keep your food log, decorate it with smilies and stickers or stars, etc. :-) Tease and trick yourself into wanting to write MORE on there (ie, fun markers you can use ONLY when you write down what you've honestly eaten)... these little things work for me ... :)

    Hang in there Peggy! <3

  2. Thanks for the suggestions. I like those ideas! You got me thinking how Ed is a lot like my alcoholism. Recovery from that is also a life-long effort. I never thought about that with Ed! Thinking of it that way makes sense and I think will help. By the way my names PENNY, but don't feel bad- I have been called Peggy a million times. I'm working on my assertiveness skills. :)