Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Feelings: Why can't I figure myself out?
How do I feel? Oh, I just hate the way I feel. I don't even know how I feel, but I don't like it! Anyone else have this problem? I just don't want to eat today. I feel like I'm too big and it will just never go away. I know, I know "big" is not a feeling! That's why I don't know really how I FEEL. I think I feel stressed and kind of ticked-off. My husband asked me when I was going to the Emily program this week and I was rather short with him and just said I'm not. He said "what?" and just the way he said it - tone of his voice- ticked me off! I just kind of mumbled I wasn't going back until I was finished with work for the summer. I maybe could have scheduled something sooner, but part of me thinks I'm still not sick enough, so why hurry? Anyway I just want him to stay out of it!!! It angers me when he talks about anything having to do with my eating disorder. Everything they recommended at Melrose, only makes me feel MAD, like he's interfering and I want him to butt out and leave me alone. I know my ED just wants me to be alone. I do however, take comfort in being alone! My therapist would tend to disagree with that, saying I'm much more outgoing then I give myself credit for. Well I USE to be. I use to enjoy going out and being with my friends, however I drank a lot back then too! Not a good thing! There's a huge part of me that LOVES to be alone; to lie around and read and just enjoy the peace and quiet. I need to find some balance though, and not just totally isolate. I did go to a weekly Bible study this past year (from Sept- April) and I really enjoyed that except all the ladies there were 10+ years older than me! It seems like whenever I sign up for things, like when I took a quilting class, everyone was older than me and I'm 49! I am kind of an "old soul" at heart and enjoy being with older people, but it would be nice to have some women my own age to connect with. I am also going to a couple of retirement parties right after work in the next week and look forward to that, but also look forward to the fact that I won't be home for dinner! I'm sick of dinners at home and always having to PLAN what I am going to eat! Man, I just wish I could be alone.
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I totally understand your isolation, and it seems that you know this is the eating disorder talking. Do you think that some of this is also depression? I too have the problem of not wanting to feel. Distracting myself with eating disordered thoughts is definitely a wonderful way of doing this, and so it is very hard to let go of. Yes, I know that fat is not a feeling, but try telling that to most women! I'm 43 so I understand being the "old" anorexic. Especially when I was in treatment with mostly teenagers. Anyway...I just wanted you to know that your not alone with your feelings. Take care. Glad that I happen to stumble across your blog:)
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ReplyDeletePlease let your husband become more involved with your treatment. I often get frustrated and angry with my husband, too; but he also is a wonderful source of both support and reality check (i.e. letting me know I am too thin and need to remain in treatment as opposed to giving up and coming home, which I long to do many times!)
ReplyDeleteAn eating disorder can isolate us from our closest loved ones, and I am beginning to realize how my anorexia has impacted my husband and our relationship. I understand the feeling of wanting to dive back into anorexia - I hate the few pounds I've already gained and often feel fat. But I also realize I wasn't fully engaged in my marriage nor life while restricting.