Tuesday, July 20, 2010
I'm pretty sure I need a higher level of care. I keep debating if I should ask for it tomorrow when I see my New therapist for the very first time! Kind of a strange way to start out with her! I was hoping to have started this treatment program at the beginning of June and it is now the end of July! I had to wait this long to see someone. Quite sad really. They obviously need more help in the eating disorder field. I know they have a day program similar to the one I use to go to. I'm not sure what the hours are, but I think you eat 2 meals and 2 snacks there. I started with a dietitian 2 weeks ago and was given a small meal plan to follow and have not exactly done it. I get home and I feel so unmotivated. I feel sick and tired a lot and then I'm motivated to recover. After resting and feeling better, the motivation is gone and I'm back to thinking "well I'm not that bad". My blood work 2 weeks ago showed overall protein as being Low as well as White blood count low. It's no wonder I don't feel well. I continue to worry about what this is doing to my poor heart. I think it's perhaps harder on me now due to my age, than it was when I was 18. I don't want to say numbers but I am anorexic, I have lost weight, and for some sick reason I seem to keep trying to lose more. That is why I think I need a higher level of care. I have to much freedom and no desire to take care of myself. My husbands been a jerk lately and no help at all. It seems like I have to tell him over and over what he could do to help and he does it for a while, and then he "drops the ball" and is back to his old ways. I know I feel a lot of anger with him that I probably need to explore and I would like to tell him also but perhaps I fear pushing him away.? I have read a lot about co-dependency and feel I struggle with that also. Co- dependents are not comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings. I need to keep telling myself I have a right to express myself and not care what others think! I can think that but it's much harder to actually do it. I love the quote "Say what you mean...because those that matter don't care" I can't remember it exactly right now but it is a good one! Well, I guess that's it for now. I'll just have to wait until tomorrow and see what happens.