Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Down again

I'm pretty sure I need a higher level of care. I keep debating if I should ask for it tomorrow when I see my New therapist for the very first time! Kind of a strange way to start out with her! I was hoping to have started this treatment program at the beginning of June and it is now the end of July! I had to wait this long to see someone. Quite sad really. They obviously need more help in the eating disorder field. I know they have a day program similar to the one I use to go to. I'm not sure what the hours are, but I think you eat 2 meals and 2 snacks there. I started with a dietitian 2 weeks ago and was given a small meal plan to follow and have not exactly done it. I get home and I feel so unmotivated. I feel sick and tired a lot and then I'm motivated to recover. After resting and feeling better, the motivation is gone and I'm back to thinking "well I'm not that bad". My blood work 2 weeks ago showed overall protein as being Low as well as White blood count low. It's no wonder I don't feel well. I continue to worry about what this is doing to my poor heart. I think it's perhaps harder on me now due to my age, than it was when I was 18. I don't want to say numbers but I am anorexic, I have lost weight, and for some sick reason I seem to keep trying to lose more. That is why I think I need a higher level of care. I have to much freedom and no desire to take care of myself. My husbands been a jerk lately and no help at all. It seems like I have to tell him over and over what he could do to help and he does it for a while, and then he "drops the ball" and is back to his old ways. I know I feel a lot of anger with him that I probably need to explore and I would like to tell him also but perhaps I fear pushing him away.? I have read a lot about co-dependency and feel I struggle with that also. Co- dependents are not comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings. I need to keep telling myself I have a right to express myself and not care what others think! I can think that but it's much harder to actually do it. I love the quote "Say what you mean...because those that matter don't care" I can't remember it exactly right now but it is a good one! Well, I guess that's it for now. I'll just have to wait until tomorrow and see what happens.


  1. You are in my thoughts! This is YOUR LIFE! You have the ability to change it. Asking for help is so brave- but the only thing to do if you want to start living! Let me know how things go! So sorry about your family situation!
    I think you are wonderful, and I hope you finally give yourself a chance to see that!


  2. Husbands can be a pain sometimes...yes they can! No matter what happens with him, you have get well for your son. Keep him in your thoughts, and you can get well. Do whatever you need to do, get whatever therapy you need, you have to get well.

    I've been in therapy for my eating disorder for over a year, and I am amazed at how much better I am today. It was such a gradual process, that I didn't realize it until I realized I was reacting to things in a much more positive, assertive way.

    Don't give up.

    I'm praying for you.

  3. HI again.
    I see you are still struggling. I wrote earlier, the 44 year old with many of the same struggles. I have managed to stay out of the hospital, thank god with the summer here and 4 kids at home! Not by much though, I am getting sick of the constant threats!
    I am down a little also and cancelled a couple check ins as I know what it'll mean but trying to get on top of it! Do you mind me asking what your bmi is? sometimes I feel at our age the disease takes hold faster. I have VERY low wbc and have just had iron infusions cause my ferritin was almost gone and actually wasnt feeling that bad, drs were shocked though, I wonder if it is something else for you?
    I feel for your situation with you husband, mine is generally good but goes through times of frustration which come out as anger, how many men show emotion! For the past few years I have made it my mission to speak my mind once /day, I know it sounds funny but it works and now it is so much easier for me. You start by telling someone once/day how you feel if they have hurt your feelings or you feel they havent listened ect. Try it out for a week and let me know if it works. really hard at first but very liberating. YOU deserved to be heard and just because someone doesnt agree with you does not mean you don;t have to right to your feelings. Remember that!
    For the food thing, I see when you say it is such a struggle and to much work, lately I have been doing my entire day in the morning. Making my food and storing it for the day in containers for each meal. I find the morning better for the anxiety that the food brings so I can prepare easier without stressing.
    Good luck to you with the extra care, I really hope they rush you through knowing the limited time you have......try to get on track for a few weeks before you go back to work.
    Hope you feel better, have you ever read anything by Gabor Mate? He has some great interviews and talks on utube and a good website. Amazing insite on addiction and the brain ect.
    good luck to you, try to express yourself. TAKE CARE

  4. I like your idea of speaking my mind once a day. I tend to stuff everything inside and that just causes more and more problems. My husband and I talked yesterday and he feels our relationship has really suffered since this all started (again) 4 years ago. I just think we've had a lot of ups and downs. I know the ED makes us very self centered. It's hard not to be when you're stuck in this. My BMI? Don't really know. I suppose 16. I know after an extremely long stay 4 years ago in the hospital I got it up to 18.5. Didn't feel good, but that's just the proof that weight restoration is not the cure. I need to continue with therapy even when I'm weight restored. I plan on doing it this time!!!