Saturday, May 29, 2010
I went for my evaluation yesterday at The Emily Program. It was a 2 hour appointment filling out paper word and taking a Psych. Eval. on the computer. This was 565 true/false questions like "I'm afraid of snakes" (no not really), "I'm afraid of heights" (yes), "I have attempted suicide" (sort of). It seems like "sometimes" should have been one of the answers. 13 years ago I was hitting rock bottom with my alcoholism. I was so distraught one day, I found myself sitting on the bathroom floor with a razor in my hand, "scratching" my wrist, wanting so badly to just end it, but knowing I would Not do it. Does that count as attempted suicide? I will never forget the pain I felt and the feeling that I would NEVER be able to overcome the alcoholism because everyday I would say I am not going to drink and everyday I drank anyway. I had no control over this. The difference between my alcoholism and "Ed" was that I felt so much sicker with the alcoholism. I'd wake up feeling and looking crappy and I could just feel/smell the alcohol seeping through my pores. It was disgusting. Sure with the anorexia I feel weak and tired at times, but I also have a lot of energy and then, as some of you know, there is almost a "high" with the restricting. The summers have been very hard for me. I feel like my "Ed" can totally engulf me. I remember the summer 3 years ago before I went in for treatment the first time. I spent a lot of time sleeping and I spent nights scared to death thinking I was not going to wake up if I fell asleep. I was having chest discomfort and was very scared! I don't want to die from this and yet I can't seem to believe that it is really bad for me. I tell myself all the time, of course my body/organs can not survive on so little food. I'm not superwoman. It could kill me (really? Why can't I believe it???) I remember my therapist telling me something like I think a lot of things don't apply to me. I remember when this all started back in 1978, I did have a tendency to live by my own rules. I was angry at not fitting in and at kids for being so cruel. When I lost weight and got contact lenses and a haircut, it seems that all of a sudden I got noticed. I looked good. But it was too late- I wanted to "sock it to them!"- all those kids who thought they were too good for everybody. I remember my sister-in-law asking me why therapists always go back and want to talk about your childhood. Well, it really does seem that our childhoods are what shape and form us. and it's hard to forget all the crap! IF only I could remember/focus on all the good and fun times I had. I know they were there as well!