Saturday, January 29, 2011
Ask yourself these questions: Do you take time for yourself? Do you take care of yourself? Are your needs just as important as others? I just got back from a weekend in Arizona to celebrate my "50th" with my bestest-gal-pal from CA, and my two sister-in- laws. We had so much fun in just two days! Every once in awhile, one of them would say to me, "You know what, Pen? You deserve it!" Made me think of that advertisement (Loreal I think "Because I'm worth it!") We took a van tour to Sedona, we shopped, we ate outside! (I live in MN so impossible this time of year) we all had ONE HOUR long massages! I haven't had a massage in 2 years. I use to go 2 times a month. What happened to that? I think when you have an eating disorder it just takes over your life and takes all the FUN out of it! I work all day, come home and work some more, exercise and diet. This is suppose to be my life? Where is the FUN? I realize how much I have isolated myself from people. I thought it was because I was shy - which I can be and it gets worse when you have an eating disorder. I'm not one of those people who parades my thin body around. I would rather cover up and hide! This isn't about how I look... I don't think. My self confidence disappears and I feel angry and bitter. I don't talk about it, I don't say how I feel, my eating disorder just wants to keep it all inside and Isolate. My weekend away was so much fun... I was living! My job is to start doing things for myself and my girlfriend will be calling and checking to make sure that I am. This past week I bought myself $35 worth of new make-up (Does that count? I think so! :)) I also went to a Bible Study with another sister-In-Law so it felt good to get out of the house on a weeknight! Now that it's warming up a little, I will have an easier time wanting to go out, I think... I hope...I also signed up for a Mosaic Art class. I really wanted to get into a Zumba class but it was full. I was mad but maybe it was a blessing.. I don't need the exercise, although it looks so fun! Anyway, I need to live and it HAS to be with people! Not just by myself. We prayed at my Bible Study for ALL people who have eating disorders. May we all come to realize how beautiful, how Important we are. Take care of yourselves- We're worth it!!!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
My eating disorder is strong. All I want to do is restrict and I worry all the time about calories and eating. I can't stand the way I feel, but I don't know what it is that I'm feeling. I want to say I feel fat and I know, I know Fat is Not a feeling! I go back and forth with the whole recovery thing. I must want it otherwise I wouldn't be going to the Emily Program. Maybe I don't want it for the right reasons. I want it for other people but not myself. I don't want to die and leave my family. I don't want to do what HE did to me! HE was my dad. I loved him more than I can say. He was my best friend. I could talk to him about anything and not be embarrassed or ashamed. He was so understanding. He was also an alcoholic and he died from colon cancer, but I strongly believe his alcoholism contributed to it. There was cancer in his liver too. What angers me here is that he never quit drinking even after he was diagnosed with cancer. Wouldn't you think he would have? Wouldn't you want to do all you could if it were you, to be healthy and not put all that poison in your body? The thing is I am just like him. I to am doing something that is wrong and could be killing me and yet I don't stop. This is what addiction does to you. I did the same with alcohol right after he died. It was like I became an alcoholic just like him- I wanted to keep a little bit of him alive. I went into treatment and I relapsed over and over again, but eventually I just quit. This is harder though. I can't give up the food. The book I'm reading says it isn't about the food which I already know. I need to look at the reasons I restrict and why I eat the way I do. What do I GET out of it?? I know I get comfort, but is that all I'm looking for? Does anyone ever read Real Simple magazine? There's an article about a woman in her 40's ( a doctor) with anorexia. It made sense to me. Read it and tell me what you think. Love and prayers to all in recovery! May we continue to be STRONG and Fight this awful illness!