Where I'm at right now

I have not been very successful at journaling, so I've decided to try this instead. I've been fighting my eating disorder for 3 years this time. I had it back in high school and college, but it seemed to lay dormant after I had kids and I had the thrill of being a mom. Those were such fun days. I sometimes wish I could go back to those days, but I know I'll have lots of fun being a grandma someday. Maybe that could be an incentive to get better. Sometimes I just don't know if I want to give this up. I have Anorexia. I was Inpatient for 7 weeks at Methodist hospital and then continued with out-patient and then In again and again and again! I decided to give it up last Nov. I'm just sick of treatment and maybe I'm just not ready. I have managed to work full time and yes I'm thin and yes it's always on my mind, but.... I'm still functioning. Why exactly do I want to live this way? Ed/Ana/whatever is all I seem to think about. I'm a Special Ed. Teacher at a middle school. I am really looking forward to the summer break but also know I could REALLY backslide with all that time off. I am also a recovered alcoholic. Have been for 13 years and I really see how these addictions are very similar. With the alcohol I was SO ready to give it up. It took a few tries but then it managed to stick. I was really rock bottom though. I thought I was rock bottom with the anorexia 3 years ago, but maybe not. It's really hard to believe that it will ever go away. They recommended I do Residential but I really don't want to. It is just so hard to eat the way they say I have to eat every single day! UGH!!!