Living with ED

Happy 4th of July. I can't believe it's already July. I hope the summer doesn't fly by. I need a lot of rest (mentally) from my job as an EBD teacher. I feel like I am spiraling downward. I guess it's good that I start the Emily Program this week. I go back and forth with the whole recovery thing. Why would anyone want to live this way though?! Food should be a pleasant thing, not something to feared and dread! There's really no freedom. I've been asked to go golfing a few times and I like to golf however...there's a part of me that thinks ED has liked it just as much because we walk the course which is good exercise. Now I have all these thoughts in my head before choosing to golf like,"do I feel strong enough?", "do I need to eat more before I go?", "what can I possibly eat? "maybe I should bring candy to suck on", "what if I get too tired?", "maybe I should just say no".Seriously, LIVING should not have to be so difficult, but with ED it is! It seems like every choice is full of questions, most of them ED related. I read on someone's blog yesterday about Green Light behaviors and there were so many that I wanted. I think "yes, wouldn't that be nice?" Here's a few that I could really relate to : flexible about meals, minimal anxiety, not spending so much money and/or time at the grocery store, order what I would like to try at a restaurant-not something safe for Ed, cook freely using regular products, no body checking, Engage is activities and conversations. Wow. It sounds like heaven. It's just so damn hard to change one's thoughts. I have had food rules for so long. I don't think I've ever eaten what's considered normal. I've done DBT and I try to stop the thoughts or change them, but it's not as easy as it sounds. Especially right when you are experiencing them. How do others actually STOP the Ed thoughts and move on???????