Sunday, June 20, 2010
Joyful mornings
I love the mornings. I get up early and I'm alone with my coffee and it's my Own time. The birds are singing loud and crazy and I want to sing too (wouldn't want to kill anyone with my voice though!), "it's finally summer!" We Minnesotan's LOVE our summers! When my anorexia came back 3-4 years ago I thought it was mostly due to me getting closer to that "empty nest" stage.My oldest son had just left for college. I put myself into being a mother 100% and pretty much gave up my own life. As much as I LOVED it I do not recommend it to any of you younger moms out there. Nobody ever tells you how Hard it's going to be when your kids grow up and leave. And yea, yea, yea, I know I'm still a mom and my kids will never really leave, but I'm telling you...it's not the same! I actually can't wait to be a Grandma now. Ha! Love my babies!! I have 3 pets now that are my babies. I even carry one of my dogs around on my hip like a little baby. Call me crazy, but I also love animals! I know I need to get more of a life, but it's very hard when ED came back you know how he just wants you to isolate. I give so much of my time to my eating disorder. I'm kind of rambling but the point I was trying to make earlier is that I don't know if it's really empty nest or not because I love to be ALONE,but I wonder...is that the eating disorder? I'm sure it all comes down to Balance and that's not something I'm very good at. I see the "All or Nothing" in me quite a bit. The other hard part about being my age is that people and pets start dying. It's so terribly sad! My dad died 23 years ago and I still haven't gotten over that. He and I were very close. He was a teacher (like me) and a loving, caring man, but he was also an alcoholic (like me)who could have fits of rage that really scared me when I was little. I don't know if I mentioned before that I am a recovered alcoholic and have been sober 13 years ago. I also have depression and was hospitalized for that 13 years ago. I am hopeful because I recovered from alcoholism so I KNOW I can recover from Anorexia too and I HAVE to if I want to Live and be a Grandma!!! I found a great website so check it out! www.youarenotalonebook.com/thankyou.php. Have a good day everyone and Happy Fathers Day.
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Hey Penny, thank you for your advice on staying in treatment. At the moment though, I do want to try and do it without the medical professionals even though I know that they do have my interests at heart. I just feel that with the massive support I have from my family especially, I will do better especially without the stress of weigh-ins and stuff - I've chosen to do away with the scale entirely although I'm not sure yet whether it's a good or bad thing.
ReplyDeleteI pray that you will be able to thrive in treatment though and I know you will be able to recover from anorexia just as you did alcoholism (congratulations on 13 years of sobriety!). You sound like a wonderful mother and a beautiful woman, and I hope for nothing but the best for you!
Much love
Nat xoxo
Your comment made my day. Your so kind! I hope recovery goes well for you too. Remember one day at a time- sometimes it's one minute at a time! I'm glad you have support from your family. I have a hard time letting mine "in". It's just not something I like to talk about. I applaud you on the scale. I smashed one of mine with a hammer once. Unfortunately I have since bought another. :(
ReplyDeleteMy mom is at a similar point you are.... my brother, who's the youngest, graduated last year. She was a stay at home mom and was always so busy driving us to all our activities. I think she finds it hard now...
ReplyDeleteI totally understand wanting to go back to the comfort of your eating disorder.... its like your baby! But its not healthy.... which you obviously know.
I think volunteering or getting a job or taking a class would be an awesome thing to do right now. Think about what you always wished you could do before or at some point wanted to try. Now's your chance!!
I can SO relate to your story. I am 44 and relapsing for the past two years....partly i think for similar reasons....felt my kids ( i have 4) were outgrowing me and didn;t need me as much. I spent the summer before last in the hospital as my kidneys were failing ect. i have to go to my dr every week and they have committed me twice but I am not ready for treatment. Had a REALLY bad case when I was 20 and almost didnt make it. I feel for you and hope you can find some help that you feel right with
ReplyDeletegood luck to you...do it for yourself, that way you can be the best you can be for your family
Wow- I'm sorry to hear about your struggles too! I want you to take your advice and do it for your family also. We can beat this. I' so tired of being tired!
ReplyDeletethank you....I hope that you are in semi good health and don;t have any organ problems? How has your daughter coped with this....I worry everyday about mine....she just turned 12 and is a gymnast. She has my history and gymnastics stacked against her, my dr keeps telling me that she will probably fall into the disease....I somethimes think she is trying to guilt me into treatment but also worry non stop about it. Hope your appts go well and you can give this treatment your all. I go for a bunch of heart tests in a couple days, anything abnormal and they committ me, I really feel selfish because of what I have done to my family. Good luck to you, be well.
ReplyDeleteI' so blessed that my daughter is very healthy and at a normal weight. She was on the dance team and has never been concerned with weight/food. She goes away to college this year so I'm afraid for her there. I NEVER want her to go through this. I have always hidden my disease from her. She said in a therapy session that she just thought I was always thin - that this was normal for me. I have had abnormal EKG's and stomach trouble. I see the Dr on july 9th- 1st time in awhile so hoping for the best. I KNOW it's hard to take care of Yourself but yell back at ED, I think you should do treatment. You're WAY TO YOUNG to die from this!
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