Selfish?

When I confided in a friend 3 years ago that my anorexia was back (she and I struggled together in high school/college) she told me that eating disorders are very selfish. I have to admit I was pretty angry. I replied that I think all I ever do is GIVE. I am a mother of 3 and I work with special education children and I was volunteering at the Animal Humaine Society. My love for my family, children, and animals is Strong! So strong that it HURTS! When I see all the abuse in the world and the mistreatment of people and animals it just HURTS! I wonder why we live in such a crazy world and how can people be so MEAN!! I know I should focus on all the GOOD out there but we all need to open our eyes - we can't ignore what's going on. I work with so many dysfunctional families too and feel so bad for their children. Does this make me selfish? I guess I kind of understand what she means, due to the fact that the Ed takes over our minds and most of us spend most of our days thinking about it so it is kind of like being selfish. It's also an illness that none of us choose to have. It has been my experience that it is one of the most difficult things to overcome. I often think back to how did I recover 23 years ago. Well, I don't think I ever really did. I was at a healthy weight for most of my kids childhood years but I still was Very cautious of what I ate, and I exercised everyday. Maybe I was never really "better" - on the outside maybe, but not on the inside.

Psych Eval

I went for my evaluation yesterday at The Emily Program. It was a 2 hour appointment filling out paper word and taking a Psych. Eval. on the computer. This was 565 true/false questions like "I'm afraid of snakes" (no not really), "I'm afraid of heights" (yes), "I have attempted suicide" (sort of). It seems like "sometimes" should have been one of the answers. 13 years ago I was hitting rock bottom with my alcoholism. I was so distraught one day, I found myself sitting on the bathroom floor with a razor in my hand, "scratching" my wrist, wanting so badly to just end it, but knowing I would Not do it. Does that count as attempted suicide? I will never forget the pain I felt and the feeling that I would NEVER be able to overcome the alcoholism because everyday I would say I am not going to drink and everyday I drank anyway. I had no control over this. The difference between my alcoholism and "Ed" was that I felt so much sicker with the alcoholism. I'd wake up feeling and looking crappy and I could just feel/smell the alcohol seeping through my pores. It was disgusting. Sure with the anorexia I feel weak and tired at times, but I also have a lot of energy and then, as some of you know, there is almost a "high" with the restricting. The summers have been very hard for me. I feel like my "Ed" can totally engulf me. I remember the summer 3 years ago before I went in for treatment the first time. I spent a lot of time sleeping and I spent nights scared to death thinking I was not going to wake up if I fell asleep. I was having chest discomfort and was very scared! I don't want to die from this and yet I can't seem to believe that it is really bad for me. I tell myself all the time, of course my body/organs can not survive on so little food. I'm not superwoman. It could kill me (really? Why can't I believe it???) I remember my therapist telling me something like I think a lot of things don't apply to me. I remember when this all started back in 1978, I did have a tendency to live by my own rules. I was angry at not fitting in and at kids for being so cruel. When I lost weight and got contact lenses and a haircut, it seems that all of a sudden I got noticed. I looked good. But it was too late- I wanted to "sock it to them!"- all those kids who thought they were too good for everybody. I remember my sister-in-law asking me why therapists always go back and want to talk about your childhood. Well, it really does seem that our childhoods are what shape and form us. and it's hard to forget all the crap! IF only I could remember/focus on all the good and fun times I had. I know they were there as well!

Feelings/Therapy/Future

Who else out there would feel so excited because they have time off work so that they can EXERCISE?? I have been working at 2 schools this year; my usual job at the middle school in the morning and an elementary school in the afternoon. There is no middle school today or tomorrow, so I have been so excited thinking about the extra exercise I can get in. I mean I dream of hours and hours of it, wanting to just get rid of whatever it is I am trying to get rid of! The number on the scale today has pissed me off so now I am really determined. I'm a smart person. I know that one can not actually gain or lose a pound in a day, but the scale shows this because of bodily fluids. IT still ANGERS me when it goes up. UGH!!! Talk about sick thinking! Tomorrow I go for my evaluation at The Emily Program. I am feeling all kinds of things: dread, excitement, fear. I wonder if it will be just like the Melrose Institute. When I use to go to Melrose, I talked to several people who had gone through the Emily Program and said it was very similar. I don't know if that will be a good thing. Maybe I need something different and new. At least there will be different people there. Maybe a different therapist would be a good thing. I really liked my old one- she was the same age as me (49), a recovered alcoholic (like me)and so she definitely understood addictions and she was hard on me (which I need!) but I just wasn't getting anywhere. Maybe that's not true. I probably made a lot of progress. I was doing more things, etc. and getting out of the house trying to get out of the eating disorder- but there was/is such a Huge part of me that just doesn't want to give this up! I feel like I have to go to therapy for OTHER people so they will leave me alone. So many want me to recover. I just don't know if I am ready to yet. Perhaps I just like the comfort of the eating disorder. One thing that I find sad is that my summer vacation will soon start and I keep thinking of making plans to go here and there or take some vacations, but then I think about ED and how maybe I should do nothing at all but stay home and give ED all my time. He's a cruel task master!

contemplating

I feel like I ate pretty well over the weekend. I was with my husband and feel like I HAVE to because I am with him and I don't want his "evil" eye and/or critical comments that only make it all worse! Of course I still don't eat all that he thinks I am. Our eating disorders are very sly-devils. I am starting a new treatment center this week. I have a 2 hour appointment on Fri- mostly to do paperwork. I don't even know if I really want any treatment at this point because I don't think I am able to give up my "bones". I don't like the way I look afterwords. Who am I, without this? I have tried to find out- signed up for classes, did this and that...all that was recommended and still, nothing has changed. The new place I am going to try is called the Emily Program. I did 3 years at Melrose and got sick of it/treatment. No matter where I go it's going to be an hour drive there and an hour drive home. I'm use to the drive and actually kind of enjoy it - listening to music and being alone with my thoughts- but I know I also use that as an excuse not to go! Wish me luck!

Scared

I read an article yesterday online from Web MD entitled "Anorexia: The Body Neglected" and it scared me enough to finally pick up the phone and make an appointment at the Emily Program. I want to try something new. They don't have Inpatient but I'm not interested in doing that this summer. It's my daughter's last summer home before she goes to college and I don't want to spend it "In" again, which I have done the last 3 SUMMERS! What a life. Is this all that's left for me with my kids gone? ED Treatment. I cringe when I think of all the food they expect me to eat. I have never eaten the way they say I should my entire life! No wonder it's hard to change. I grew up with a mother who snacked all day until dinner and complain about fat content, etc. I became anorexic the first time when I was 17. I weighed as much as a thin elementary kid. My parents showed concern sometimes (more my dad) but never took me to a doctor. I finally went myself and remember the Dr telling me to just eat an avocado a day and that would fatten me up.(It was 1979-1980) I couldn't wait to get home to check my calorie book (I was a calorie expert) but had no idea how many were in an avocado. To this day I can not eat them! Thanks Dr Miller!

7 days of ED

My husband left for a week long fishing trip and of course my Ed loves that - No more hiding - eat what I want, when I want and exercise as much as I want. I did aerobics this morning and plan on a long walk later since it will finally be in the 70's today and sunny!! Of course the goal of all this is to lose weight even though I should be doing the opposite. I just feel such a NEED to do this. I dropped out of treatment last Nov but have been seeing my family practice Dr for monthly check ups and my EKG's and blood work have been ok so that's good, I guess. I know if I went back to Melrose they would tell me I'm not doing well and need treatment. I feel like I'm 2 people- one person knows this is true, the other is in denial. (They would say that's the Ed part) It just feels like it's really ME!!! I maybe lost myself so long ago- eating, diet, exercise seems to be my life and all that's on my mind. IT's such an addiction. If anyone wants to leave comments I would appreciate it! Thanks!

Where I'm at right now

I have not been very successful at journaling, so I've decided to try this instead. I've been fighting my eating disorder for 3 years this time. I had it back in high school and college, but it seemed to lay dormant after I had kids and I had the thrill of being a mom. Those were such fun days. I sometimes wish I could go back to those days, but I know I'll have lots of fun being a grandma someday. Maybe that could be an incentive to get better. Sometimes I just don't know if I want to give this up. I have Anorexia. I was Inpatient for 7 weeks at Methodist hospital and then continued with out-patient and then In again and again and again! I decided to give it up last Nov. I'm just sick of treatment and maybe I'm just not ready. I have managed to work full time and yes I'm thin and yes it's always on my mind, but.... I'm still functioning. Why exactly do I want to live this way? Ed/Ana/whatever is all I seem to think about. I'm a Special Ed. Teacher at a middle school. I am really looking forward to the summer break but also know I could REALLY backslide with all that time off. I am also a recovered alcoholic. Have been for 13 years and I really see how these addictions are very similar. With the alcohol I was SO ready to give it up. It took a few tries but then it managed to stick. I was really rock bottom though. I thought I was rock bottom with the anorexia 3 years ago, but maybe not. It's really hard to believe that it will ever go away. They recommended I do Residential but I really don't want to. It is just so hard to eat the way they say I have to eat every single day! UGH!!!