New name!

I was inspired by Angela to change the name of my blog. I don't want to be known as "My Ed/Anorexia" anymore. How dumb was that?! I am however, truly mixed up and I vacillate between recovery/no recovery. What do I really want?? Is that the question? All I know right now is that I'm very sick of all my negative feelings. Feelings of guilt and anger. Feeling negative and worthless. What I feel like doing is hibernating in bed and not coming out for about a week! Instead I'm on my way to a "step" class which I had said I would not do but also realize that exercise is something I don't ever want to get rid of! After that I 'm going to a baking class so at least I'm getting out of the house and it's COLD out today. Going out anywhere in the winter is not something I really enjoy but I will crank up the heat. Later!

I'm important!

Ask yourself these questions: Do you take time for yourself? Do you take care of yourself? Are your needs just as important as others? I just got back from a weekend in Arizona to celebrate my "50th" with my bestest-gal-pal from CA, and my two sister-in- laws. We had so much fun in just two days! Every once in awhile, one of them would say to me, "You know what, Pen? You deserve it!" Made me think of that advertisement (Loreal I think "Because I'm worth it!") We took a van tour to Sedona, we shopped, we ate outside! (I live in MN so impossible this time of year) we all had ONE HOUR long massages! I haven't had a massage in 2 years. I use to go 2 times a month. What happened to that? I think when you have an eating disorder it just takes over your life and takes all the FUN out of it! I work all day, come home and work some more, exercise and diet. This is suppose to be my life? Where is the FUN? I realize how much I have isolated myself from people. I thought it was because I was shy - which I can be and it gets worse when you have an eating disorder. I'm not one of those people who parades my thin body around. I would rather cover up and hide! This isn't about how I look... I don't think. My self confidence disappears and I feel angry and bitter. I don't talk about it, I don't say how I feel, my eating disorder just wants to keep it all inside and Isolate. My weekend away was so much fun... I was living! My job is to start doing things for myself and my girlfriend will be calling and checking to make sure that I am. This past week I bought myself $35 worth of new make-up (Does that count? I think so! :)) I also went to a Bible Study with another sister-In-Law so it felt good to get out of the house on a weeknight! Now that it's warming up a little, I will have an easier time wanting to go out, I think... I hope...I also signed up for a Mosaic Art class. I really wanted to get into a Zumba class but it was full. I was mad but maybe it was a blessing.. I don't need the exercise, although it looks so fun! Anyway, I need to live and it HAS to be with people! Not just by myself. We prayed at my Bible Study for ALL people who have eating disorders. May we all come to realize how beautiful, how Important we are. Take care of yourselves- We're worth it!!!

Happy New Year or is it?

My eating disorder is strong. All I want to do is restrict and I worry all the time about calories and eating. I can't stand the way I feel, but I don't know what it is that I'm feeling. I want to say I feel fat and I know, I know Fat is Not a feeling! I go back and forth with the whole recovery thing. I must want it otherwise I wouldn't be going to the Emily Program. Maybe I don't want it for the right reasons. I want it for other people but not myself. I don't want to die and leave my family. I don't want to do what HE did to me! HE was my dad. I loved him more than I can say. He was my best friend. I could talk to him about anything and not be embarrassed or ashamed. He was so understanding. He was also an alcoholic and he died from colon cancer, but I strongly believe his alcoholism contributed to it. There was cancer in his liver too. What angers me here is that he never quit drinking even after he was diagnosed with cancer. Wouldn't you think he would have? Wouldn't you want to do all you could if it were you, to be healthy and not put all that poison in your body? The thing is I am just like him. I to am doing something that is wrong and could be killing me and yet I don't stop. This is what addiction does to you. I did the same with alcohol right after he died. It was like I became an alcoholic just like him- I wanted to keep a little bit of him alive. I went into treatment and I relapsed over and over again, but eventually I just quit. This is harder though. I can't give up the food. The book I'm reading says it isn't about the food which I already know. I need to look at the reasons I restrict and why I eat the way I do. What do I GET out of it?? I know I get comfort, but is that all I'm looking for? Does anyone ever read Real Simple magazine? There's an article about a woman in her 40's ( a doctor) with anorexia. It made sense to me. Read it and tell me what you think. Love and prayers to all in recovery! May we continue to be STRONG and Fight this awful illness!

Merry Christmas 2010

Merry Christmas everyone. I spent Christmas Eve day sick in bed! Some kind of "bug" which luckily only lasted the one day. Of course my "ED" was fine with me missing out on the festivities, not having to worry about eating tacos and tons of goodies at one of the relatives houses. I have to admit I enjoyed staying home lying in bed or on the couch and just vegging. Ate some chicken noodle soup after I felt a little better. The next day (Christmas) was spent at my brothers beautiful home in Medina (MN). He's very successful and we joke they live in a "mansion". He and his wife and four boys - all adults now- are very down to earth though, so you would never suspect they have all that money. We had a great time. Everyone brought appetizers so it was easier and more "layed back" than preparing a big meal. My other sister in law was there and she has been recovered for one year now from her breast cancer. She tends to talk on and on about her health, which is understandable. Then out of the blue she asked "so how are you" and of course I said fine. I really don't want to talk about ED with any of them. I don't want people to know that I struggle although it's maybe noticeable..?? It's easy to hide with these cold MN winters and all the covering up with layers! I've been eating "ok" lately but inside my head is Screaming that it can't wait for all of this to be over so I can "get away from the food, have my next 3-4 days ALONE and eat or not eat what I want, exercise and get rid of it, hibernate, diet, diet, diet." My life has been one long diet. So perhaps that is what I say to someone when they ask how I am doing. Tell them the constant thoughts going on in my head. What would they say? What would they do? I'm sure they would think it's really strange! That's another thing that's difficult with all of this. There's nothing they can do or say that seems to help so why talk about it? I am going to Arizona in a few weeks with my 2 sister in laws (that I mentioned above) and my "bestest friend" who lives in CA. We are going to go for a weekend to celebrate my turning the Big 50! My thoughts are about the weather and what will I wear? I want it to be HOT but fear what I will look like in summer clothes. Has anyone out there read "Eating by the Light of the Moon"? My therapist recommended it and I ordered it on line so anxious to read it. Anyone find it helpful? Take care everyone and Happy New Year soon!

Still here! :)

I haven't posted in ages! Well, I'm still alive and I want to say I am still fighting my eating disorder by going to therapy,etc. but to be honest....I just don't feel like I want to give it up. Hmmm.... How do people do it I wonder? I do realize that it seems very stupid for my to base everyday on what my scale tells me. But that's what I do. I also know that in a lot of ways I've grown...all the therapy these last few years has left messages in my brain. I some how need to listen to them more I suppose! Well, I'm at work! It's conferences tonight so I'm working late. Take care ALl!

The program has begun!

Well, I just finished 2 days of IDP (Intensive Day Programming) and I guess the main feelings I've been having are Hatred and Anger. I hate eating this food and I'm angry at myself for doing it. and yet it was my idea. I didn't want to go back to work being embarrassed and ashamed of the way I look. I haven't been able to wear short sleeves all summer because even I can see my arms look ugly, sickly, just Too thin. At least I can see it. I keep reminding myself that food is my medicine but I still don't like it. I've been wondering about all my anger. I've seen a therapist for the past 4 years and talked about all my issues, but I guess this is what I don't understand. How is therapy suppose to help someone? How is talking about everything suppose to help? I've already talked about all the anger I've had at my dad for being an alcoholic, dying too young, and not being able to see all the wonderful grand kids he would have so loved. I've already talked about the miserable middle school years (who's weren't miserable? Ha!) I've already talked about how it HURT so bad 4 years ago, when so many people I knew died and one of my dear old dogs.:( I thought if this is what it's like when you get older, maybe I don't want to be here! So all of it's been talked about and I still feel miserable about it all. I guess I just don't understand how it's suppose to help, or I guess I wish it helped more than it has.
I'm so glad the weekend is here and I don't have to follow my meal plan. I guess this is not a good sign. I've already decided I won't be doing any of the tallies I'm suppose to do during the week either, before programming, because...I'm already eating a hell of a lot more there then I have been all summer. I'm still wanting so badly to do this MY way. The thing is I did do things my own way for a good 10 years and I was at an ok weight, so I guess it can be done. That's not to say my eating wasn't disordered...it always has been... but I was medically ok. That is were I would kind of like to be back to. Honestly, maybe I don't. My ED is so strong it doesn't want me to have anything but IT!

Treatment

Thanks to those who responded. I appreciate your kind words. My appointments yesterday went well and they are in total support of my starting their "Day program", but first, I need to set up Another Intake appointment with the therapist who runs the program so that means more WAITING involved. I might not be able to start until the first week of August. That's fine with me, but then I can only go for 2 weeks and then it's back to my teaching job! Oh well, it would be good to at least get that much time under my belt and get back on track with this whole eating business. Then it's up to ME to stick with it!! It's funny how I kind of think of eating as being a job. It's not always pleasant and it's time consuming. It takes planning and preparation. It causes so much stress and anxiety. Ugh! Just one more thing to do in a girls busy day. I have to do this though. I have to Want this for Myself. The last few days were stressful and I was feeling very depressed. Today, however I was feeling much more peaceful, after reading some of the book Co-Dependent No More. The chapter on detaching is especially good. It says we don't detach from others for their good. We do it for Ourselves so we can feel calm and peaceful. How true! As far as this codependency thing goes, my husband is not an alcoholic. I grew up with an alcoholic father though, and so I continue to have all these symptoms of codependency- always worrying and wondering what my husband's thinking. Always putting his needs (and the family's) before my own. (Needs? DO I have needs??) It's truly crazy. One thing I really look forward to in recovery is to lose all the thoughts about food, also. If I'm not thinking about my husband and his feelings then I'm thinking about food. I know that once my body starts getting what it needs all these obsessive thoughts will stop. Maybe not right away, but it will happen. At least that's what everybody tells me! God Bless everyone and here's to fighting eating disorders!!