Sunday, January 2, 2011

Happy New Year or is it?

My eating disorder is strong. All I want to do is restrict and I worry all the time about calories and eating. I can't stand the way I feel, but I don't know what it is that I'm feeling. I want to say I feel fat and I know, I know Fat is Not a feeling! I go back and forth with the whole recovery thing. I must want it otherwise I wouldn't be going to the Emily Program. Maybe I don't want it for the right reasons. I want it for other people but not myself. I don't want to die and leave my family. I don't want to do what HE did to me! HE was my dad. I loved him more than I can say. He was my best friend. I could talk to him about anything and not be embarrassed or ashamed. He was so understanding. He was also an alcoholic and he died from colon cancer, but I strongly believe his alcoholism contributed to it. There was cancer in his liver too. What angers me here is that he never quit drinking even after he was diagnosed with cancer. Wouldn't you think he would have? Wouldn't you want to do all you could if it were you, to be healthy and not put all that poison in your body? The thing is I am just like him. I to am doing something that is wrong and could be killing me and yet I don't stop. This is what addiction does to you. I did the same with alcohol right after he died. It was like I became an alcoholic just like him- I wanted to keep a little bit of him alive. I went into treatment and I relapsed over and over again, but eventually I just quit. This is harder though. I can't give up the food. The book I'm reading says it isn't about the food which I already know. I need to look at the reasons I restrict and why I eat the way I do. What do I GET out of it?? I know I get comfort, but is that all I'm looking for? Does anyone ever read Real Simple magazine? There's an article about a woman in her 40's ( a doctor) with anorexia. It made sense to me. Read it and tell me what you think. Love and prayers to all in recovery! May we continue to be STRONG and Fight this awful illness!


  1. i was looking at real simple's website, hoped the article was availabe on there, but its not. the magazine looks interesting, i'll have to pick it up next time im in town.

    i sooo get where you are coming from with the struggle to recover or not. it is the perfect metaphorical "devil/angel on the shoulders" going on in your head.

  2. You say you wonder what it is that you get out of the ed. I was wondering what triggered your relapse three years ago. I know that my husband having a brain tumor triggered a relapse for me. I used the anorexia as a way to control at least one thing in my life when I could not control the rest. I still struggle with truly wanting recovery. I'm glad that you are still in the program. Do you feel like it is helping at all, and do you see an individual therapist? I'm thinking of you, and wishing you the best in 2011.

  3. i am so sorry about your father. such a loss.

    i lost my parents four years ago and all my addictions went off the charts.

    it helped me heal when i forgave my parents. and i've felt so much better about them and everything, in general since.

    i sense it might help you heal also. perhaps you can talk to someone at your program about this?

    it's just a suggestion and what helped me with my drug, alcohol and eating issues.

  4. Angela- I think perhaps what triggered my relapse was my oldest son going away to college! And now of course the other 2 are adults! I had the most difficult time accepting this! No one tells you how awful it is to have your kids grow up. I absolutely loved being a mom and yes of course I know they still need me and always will but it's just not the same. I think the program helps but.... man I wonder how long it's gonna take?? Thanks you so much for your comments I think about you too!

    I hate to weight- Sorry to hear about your parents as well! I thought I had forgiven my dad and I HAVE talked about it in therapy. I wonder if it's just something I need to Keep talking about???

  5. Have you read Carolyn Knapp's book Appetites? Or Geneen Roth's books. Nourish your mind with good books on topic and you may be able to find the key and unlock the puzzle. My heart goes out to you.