Happy New Year or is it?

My eating disorder is strong. All I want to do is restrict and I worry all the time about calories and eating. I can't stand the way I feel, but I don't know what it is that I'm feeling. I want to say I feel fat and I know, I know Fat is Not a feeling! I go back and forth with the whole recovery thing. I must want it otherwise I wouldn't be going to the Emily Program. Maybe I don't want it for the right reasons. I want it for other people but not myself. I don't want to die and leave my family. I don't want to do what HE did to me! HE was my dad. I loved him more than I can say. He was my best friend. I could talk to him about anything and not be embarrassed or ashamed. He was so understanding. He was also an alcoholic and he died from colon cancer, but I strongly believe his alcoholism contributed to it. There was cancer in his liver too. What angers me here is that he never quit drinking even after he was diagnosed with cancer. Wouldn't you think he would have? Wouldn't you want to do all you could if it were you, to be healthy and not put all that poison in your body? The thing is I am just like him. I to am doing something that is wrong and could be killing me and yet I don't stop. This is what addiction does to you. I did the same with alcohol right after he died. It was like I became an alcoholic just like him- I wanted to keep a little bit of him alive. I went into treatment and I relapsed over and over again, but eventually I just quit. This is harder though. I can't give up the food. The book I'm reading says it isn't about the food which I already know. I need to look at the reasons I restrict and why I eat the way I do. What do I GET out of it?? I know I get comfort, but is that all I'm looking for? Does anyone ever read Real Simple magazine? There's an article about a woman in her 40's ( a doctor) with anorexia. It made sense to me. Read it and tell me what you think. Love and prayers to all in recovery! May we continue to be STRONG and Fight this awful illness!