Friday, April 15, 2011

Does anyone understand?

I think I'm beginning to realize why I have such a difficult time with full fledge recovery. I think it all boils down to the fact that I can not seem to stand myself! I have so many cruel negative hurtful comments made to Myself. I'm constantly telling myself that I need to do more--exercise, diet...etc. It just Never seems to be good enough. If I don't stop these thoughts, and I know it's up to me to fight back, then it will not change. I just don't know if I'm ready for change. I'm so tired of working full time and I can't wait for my summer vacation... although I have no plans really except to give my Anorexia more attention. This is not a good plan and that I also know. I was also thinking one day that I struggle with talking about these thoughts with friends, family, even therapist because then it seems from the feedback that people just want to change me, fix me, control me! Maybe all I really want is to be Understood, even if it (Anorexia) seems impossible to understand!


  1. Recovery is hard. Take it one day a time. I find this eases the pressure. It's not easy being nice to yourself. Stay strong! I'm rooting for you!

  2. Recovery is hard and it takes time and a lot of work. Take it one day-sometimes one minute-at a time. Tell yourself good things you have done to help counter-act the negative self-talk.

    You can do this!!!


  3. My therapist is using a process called EMDR to help me with my negative, self-critical emotions, which are due in part to childhood trauma and a hyper-critical mother (I suffer from a form of PTSD). I don't know if your issues are the same or what is contributing to your anorexia, but the EMDR is definintely helping me. You can find a description of EMDR at

    There are therapists all over who use this, so you might give it a try. My therapist doesn't try to "change me" as you have described it, rather she helps me to "clear out" whatever is causing me distress. This helps me better stop the negative self talk.

    Whatever you do, don't give up. You're worth it!

  4. i think low self-esteem is the basis for much of our eating disorders.

    i wonder - you say you're not ready for change, and i do understand. i had an eating disorder for 30 years. but here's what you wrote,

    "I can not seem to stand myself! I have so many cruel negative hurtful comments made to Myself. I'm constantly telling myself that I need to do more--exercise, diet...etc. It just Never seems to be good enough. If I don't stop these thoughts, and I know it's up to me to fight back, then it will not change."

    i am really, truly interested in why you're not ready to change that. is it because you believe it's just not possible? (believe me, it is!). is it that there's some kind of comfort in the "devil you know"? those were some of my reasons.

    but it seems a really sad and difficult way to live.

    when you do feel ready, there is so much hope. everything is possible!

  5. I understand those voices in our heads that tell us that we aren't good enough. Maybe all you think you are good at is starving. I know I've felt that way when I was so resistant to recovery. Recovery is possible though. Just go slow and don't be so hard on yourself. It is a process like any new skill that you are learning. I do believe that you can do this!

  6. Good questions "I hate to weight". (Why I'm not ready) I don't know if I really have an answer for that, but you've given me something to think about. I think it is partly a comfort thing, and something to fill the time. I have tried to DO a lot of different things, (signed up for various classes, etc.) but maybe I just haven't really found anything that interests me much. My therapist and I talked about this A LOT but I still haven't found IT whatever IT is!

  7. Haven't heard from you in a while. How are you doing?


  8. There was a very real perception that bi-racial was much worse for the white than it was for the person of color. The liberal culture, which was designed and promoted with the god's tools to achieve their Apocalyptic goals, screamed racism when there was a very reasonable explanation for this reality::::
    In this white punishment known as the United States the person of color has already adopted the disfavors/temptations intended for another race. But by associating/mating with a person of color the white is newly adopting the disfavors of another culture.
    And this is the reason why people of color are not welcome in the United States. The gods control everything:::The perception they want to create, the thoughts they want you to have.
    People of color can't recover from absorbing the temptations from two cultures. And why they become more and more like so many blacks in America:::Veterans at absorbing the temptations of two cultures.
    To further illustrate this is why California's educational system/funding was ranked #1 when California was white:::Education being the basis of the affluent economic system. Now even public higher education has become unaffordable.

    Don't forget the lessons the 'ole white preacher taught:::Dancing is a sin.
    The gods used the liberal tool to ridicule away so many taboos, paving the way for the decay of society and ultimately the End Times::::::
    Black behavior was controlled by the KKK. Men's behavior was controlled by marriage for thousands of years.
    When married by 15 men never gained the taste of promiscuity. Once the gods used the budding liberalism tool the men set the tone for the deteriorating enviornment centered around their gross disfavor.
    Women's relinquishing control of pre-arranged marriage will be what costs mankind everything in The End. It's all their fault. Men are pigs, essentially just primally responsive disfavored beings who if given the freedom will abuse based on the impulses the god's push them into. Whereas under pre-arranged marriage this behavior was contained now the promiscuous fraternity house epitomizes the pinnicle of what a "real man" should be like. And sadly the women fall into line.

    Ronald Reagan spent the communist block into submission with defense buildup, and in the process increased the National debt from $1 trillion in 1980 to $6 trillion when he left office.
    W charged both the Iraq and Afghanistan wars to the national debt, honest numbers to come.
    The gods used W to initiate the "Great Recession" with deliberate legislation/regulation changes, allowing the sub-prime fiasco and corporate irresponsibility/criminal behavior which led to the multi-trillion dollar stimulous package, pocketted by Republican friends and donors::::$5 trillion charged to the National credit card.
    This corruption is one element of evil in the party of good. War mongering is another.
    Damned if you do, Damned if you don't::::With the Democrats you subscribe to social decay via liberlism, which WILL lead to the Apocalypse. Republicans are being used by the gods to bankrupt the United States, ultimately motivating people to the point of "desperation prayer" once anarchy presides::::Punishment designed to correct your behavior.

    The gods behave monsterously in the course of managing Planet Earth but they demand people be good if you are to have a chance to ascend in a future life.
    Not only is doing the right things important (praying, attoning for your sins, thinking the right way:::accepting humility, modesty, vulnerability), so is avoiding the wrong things important as well:::"Go and sin no more".
    You NEED active parents who share wisdom to have a real chance to ascend into heaven in a future life, and you MUST be a good parent as well to have that opportunity. Once your children have been raised something changes, something has been decided about you. This is exactly that.