Does anyone understand?

I think I'm beginning to realize why I have such a difficult time with full fledge recovery. I think it all boils down to the fact that I can not seem to stand myself! I have so many cruel negative hurtful comments made to Myself. I'm constantly telling myself that I need to do more--exercise, diet...etc. It just Never seems to be good enough. If I don't stop these thoughts, and I know it's up to me to fight back, then it will not change. I just don't know if I'm ready for change. I'm so tired of working full time and I can't wait for my summer vacation... although I have no plans really except to give my Anorexia more attention. This is not a good plan and that I also know. I was also thinking one day that I struggle with talking about these thoughts with friends, family, even therapist because then it seems from the feedback that people just want to change me, fix me, control me! Maybe all I really want is to be Understood, even if it (Anorexia) seems impossible to understand!