Continuing Treatment

I recently started an evening IOP group at the Emily Program. I originally was planning on doing their Day program, but was unable to get in until one week before I go back to work full time, so no can do! I love the people in my evening group. They are so friendly and have given me great feedback. I went to a family and friends group yesterday a.m. (Sat) and although I enjoyed it, I still felt very "triggered" by the speaker who is supposedly recovered, although still looked somewhat anorexic to me. It is very difficult for me to see other anorexics. I realize I feel like a failure when I compare myself to them. I also don't see myself accurately so it makes no sense, I know. And what exactly am I a failure at??? Killing myself? I know all this....It's still so damn triggering!!!
The one thing I am going to work on this time is trying to figure out what exactly would be supportive for me- especially from my husband. I want to throw that question out there? What do you guys find to be helpful, especially from spouses or family. I have found that when my husband has tried to be supportive his words only anger me, and thus he goes back to saying nothing and thinking this is my problem and I need to figure it out!

I'm still here!

I haven't posted anything in ages! I have been very busy with work and finishing things up for the year. My last day of work is THURSDAY and then look forward to a relaxing (hopefully "ed" free) summer! I'm still struggling with the fricken ED voice- constantly scolding me and making me feel guilty. My daughter came home from college and immediately asked me if I was going back to the Emily Program. I looked at her, feeling so discouraged and asked if she really thought I needed to. "Yes mom," she said so I made an appt. Ugh! I am seeing a Dr and dietitian on June 20th so we'll see how that goes. My liver levels were elevated last time I had blood work done. Anyone know what that means? My EKG was also prolonged again. I guess it's just so hard to believe anything could possibly be wrong when I feel ok. I hate the torment inside, though. So...I will keep you informed and hope everything is going well for all of you out there too! I have found a new, really cool website called "Stumble upon" If you haven't been there check it out. It's so cool and fun! I love looking at all the crafts! I'm hoping to tap into my Crafty side this summer (if I have one!)

Does anyone understand?

I think I'm beginning to realize why I have such a difficult time with full fledge recovery. I think it all boils down to the fact that I can not seem to stand myself! I have so many cruel negative hurtful comments made to Myself. I'm constantly telling myself that I need to do more--exercise, diet...etc. It just Never seems to be good enough. If I don't stop these thoughts, and I know it's up to me to fight back, then it will not change. I just don't know if I'm ready for change. I'm so tired of working full time and I can't wait for my summer vacation... although I have no plans really except to give my Anorexia more attention. This is not a good plan and that I also know. I was also thinking one day that I struggle with talking about these thoughts with friends, family, even therapist because then it seems from the feedback that people just want to change me, fix me, control me! Maybe all I really want is to be Understood, even if it (Anorexia) seems impossible to understand!

New name!

I was inspired by Angela to change the name of my blog. I don't want to be known as "My Ed/Anorexia" anymore. How dumb was that?! I am however, truly mixed up and I vacillate between recovery/no recovery. What do I really want?? Is that the question? All I know right now is that I'm very sick of all my negative feelings. Feelings of guilt and anger. Feeling negative and worthless. What I feel like doing is hibernating in bed and not coming out for about a week! Instead I'm on my way to a "step" class which I had said I would not do but also realize that exercise is something I don't ever want to get rid of! After that I 'm going to a baking class so at least I'm getting out of the house and it's COLD out today. Going out anywhere in the winter is not something I really enjoy but I will crank up the heat. Later!

I'm important!

Ask yourself these questions: Do you take time for yourself? Do you take care of yourself? Are your needs just as important as others? I just got back from a weekend in Arizona to celebrate my "50th" with my bestest-gal-pal from CA, and my two sister-in- laws. We had so much fun in just two days! Every once in awhile, one of them would say to me, "You know what, Pen? You deserve it!" Made me think of that advertisement (Loreal I think "Because I'm worth it!") We took a van tour to Sedona, we shopped, we ate outside! (I live in MN so impossible this time of year) we all had ONE HOUR long massages! I haven't had a massage in 2 years. I use to go 2 times a month. What happened to that? I think when you have an eating disorder it just takes over your life and takes all the FUN out of it! I work all day, come home and work some more, exercise and diet. This is suppose to be my life? Where is the FUN? I realize how much I have isolated myself from people. I thought it was because I was shy - which I can be and it gets worse when you have an eating disorder. I'm not one of those people who parades my thin body around. I would rather cover up and hide! This isn't about how I look... I don't think. My self confidence disappears and I feel angry and bitter. I don't talk about it, I don't say how I feel, my eating disorder just wants to keep it all inside and Isolate. My weekend away was so much fun... I was living! My job is to start doing things for myself and my girlfriend will be calling and checking to make sure that I am. This past week I bought myself $35 worth of new make-up (Does that count? I think so! :)) I also went to a Bible Study with another sister-In-Law so it felt good to get out of the house on a weeknight! Now that it's warming up a little, I will have an easier time wanting to go out, I think... I hope...I also signed up for a Mosaic Art class. I really wanted to get into a Zumba class but it was full. I was mad but maybe it was a blessing.. I don't need the exercise, although it looks so fun! Anyway, I need to live and it HAS to be with people! Not just by myself. We prayed at my Bible Study for ALL people who have eating disorders. May we all come to realize how beautiful, how Important we are. Take care of yourselves- We're worth it!!!

Happy New Year or is it?

My eating disorder is strong. All I want to do is restrict and I worry all the time about calories and eating. I can't stand the way I feel, but I don't know what it is that I'm feeling. I want to say I feel fat and I know, I know Fat is Not a feeling! I go back and forth with the whole recovery thing. I must want it otherwise I wouldn't be going to the Emily Program. Maybe I don't want it for the right reasons. I want it for other people but not myself. I don't want to die and leave my family. I don't want to do what HE did to me! HE was my dad. I loved him more than I can say. He was my best friend. I could talk to him about anything and not be embarrassed or ashamed. He was so understanding. He was also an alcoholic and he died from colon cancer, but I strongly believe his alcoholism contributed to it. There was cancer in his liver too. What angers me here is that he never quit drinking even after he was diagnosed with cancer. Wouldn't you think he would have? Wouldn't you want to do all you could if it were you, to be healthy and not put all that poison in your body? The thing is I am just like him. I to am doing something that is wrong and could be killing me and yet I don't stop. This is what addiction does to you. I did the same with alcohol right after he died. It was like I became an alcoholic just like him- I wanted to keep a little bit of him alive. I went into treatment and I relapsed over and over again, but eventually I just quit. This is harder though. I can't give up the food. The book I'm reading says it isn't about the food which I already know. I need to look at the reasons I restrict and why I eat the way I do. What do I GET out of it?? I know I get comfort, but is that all I'm looking for? Does anyone ever read Real Simple magazine? There's an article about a woman in her 40's ( a doctor) with anorexia. It made sense to me. Read it and tell me what you think. Love and prayers to all in recovery! May we continue to be STRONG and Fight this awful illness!

Merry Christmas 2010

Merry Christmas everyone. I spent Christmas Eve day sick in bed! Some kind of "bug" which luckily only lasted the one day. Of course my "ED" was fine with me missing out on the festivities, not having to worry about eating tacos and tons of goodies at one of the relatives houses. I have to admit I enjoyed staying home lying in bed or on the couch and just vegging. Ate some chicken noodle soup after I felt a little better. The next day (Christmas) was spent at my brothers beautiful home in Medina (MN). He's very successful and we joke they live in a "mansion". He and his wife and four boys - all adults now- are very down to earth though, so you would never suspect they have all that money. We had a great time. Everyone brought appetizers so it was easier and more "layed back" than preparing a big meal. My other sister in law was there and she has been recovered for one year now from her breast cancer. She tends to talk on and on about her health, which is understandable. Then out of the blue she asked "so how are you" and of course I said fine. I really don't want to talk about ED with any of them. I don't want people to know that I struggle although it's maybe noticeable..?? It's easy to hide with these cold MN winters and all the covering up with layers! I've been eating "ok" lately but inside my head is Screaming that it can't wait for all of this to be over so I can "get away from the food, have my next 3-4 days ALONE and eat or not eat what I want, exercise and get rid of it, hibernate, diet, diet, diet." My life has been one long diet. So perhaps that is what I say to someone when they ask how I am doing. Tell them the constant thoughts going on in my head. What would they say? What would they do? I'm sure they would think it's really strange! That's another thing that's difficult with all of this. There's nothing they can do or say that seems to help so why talk about it? I am going to Arizona in a few weeks with my 2 sister in laws (that I mentioned above) and my "bestest friend" who lives in CA. We are going to go for a weekend to celebrate my turning the Big 50! My thoughts are about the weather and what will I wear? I want it to be HOT but fear what I will look like in summer clothes. Has anyone out there read "Eating by the Light of the Moon"? My therapist recommended it and I ordered it on line so anxious to read it. Anyone find it helpful? Take care everyone and Happy New Year soon!